Don't Let Go

This post may be hard for some of you to read. Lord knows it's going to be hard for me to write. As you all know I don't hold back much on here. Maybe I should but it will have to wait. I have something brewing and if I don't get it out I may explode. So sit back, buckle up cause this one may shock you.

Over the last month or so I have been struggling. My inner demons are fighting and I can't get them to stop. Yes, I said demons. Plural. I have many. Anyone need one or two? I have lots to give away. I know I don't want them. But they are mine. Now if I can just figure how to make them coexist. Problem is...these demons don't like each other. They are completely opposite of each other. If they did get along, one way or another, I think I wouldn't be having so many problems. See, some of these demons are good, some are not and they are playing one hell of a tug-of-war with me.

I know how this will sound. I am not trying to be conceited. It's just how I feel. A part of me, although kind of small, wholeheartedly believes that I am on the brink of greatness. Teetering on the edge of making a difference in this crazy world. On the verge of having people say as I go by "There's Jamie, Oh how he made a difference in my life." Or having my name mentioned and have a crowd of people go wild like at a concert. Am I lost in la la land? Maybe. I think we all have the opportunity to do something remarkable. But I also have to admit that on the other hand, I feel I'm on the verge of complete disaster. This is the more part of me BTW. It's that stinking feeling I get when things don't go right and I say to myself, "Oh, they are better off without me anyway." Or the feeling of walking down a street and bumping into someone and have them not notice me. Like I'm invisible. Being looked at by people who think to themselves, "Whatever happened to him anyway?" These are the feelings that scare me the most.

There are times I go to church and feel so loved and welcomed. There are other times when I look at someone and I can tell they are thinking, "what are you doing here?" And that's at church people. Of all places to not feel welcomed. I'm not talking about my close friends. I love you guys. If it weren't for you I may not be where I am today. But there are those folks who I know I have let down. And believe me when I say it, you CAN see it in your faces. I'm like the plague to them. But I have come to the knowledge that we are NOT all perfect. We have ALL made mistakes and in some ways that brings me a little peace.

The most important piece in tug-of-war is the rope. Two opposing forces pull on it with all their might, mind and strength and to the victor goes the spoils. The hardest part for me right now is I feel like I'm the rope. Both sides are pulling fiercely on me and I feel at any moment I may snap. This is a battle of good versus evil. On one side I have all my friends who love me and support me. My children are there. My family as well and I believe with all my heart they are pulling with all the love they can muster. Then there are the things of this world that are pulling me in the other direction. And the things of this world have a strength of their own. It's powerful. It's mesmerizing. Sometimes the thought of loosing the battle isn't all that bad. I mean seriously, can it?

This truly is a difficult thing for me to go through. You would think it would be easy but it's not. I wouldn't want this on anyone. I know where I want to be but getting there is the hardest part. Oh I have faith. I just don't have patience. Sometimes I think it would be easy to just throw in the towel and let me ride the wave and see where it takes me. But I fear in doing so I may land so far back I may never get to where I need to be. So I plead with you my friends, family and fellow Christians, PLEASE don't let go of the rope.