It's dark here.
This place where I live.
Huddled in a corner
like a child.
Quiet.
Wondering where life
has gone.
Going in circles
with nowhere to stop.
I am alone.
Loved and lost.
Lost without love.
I need you.
Come find me.
Listen for my heart
and bring in the light.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thinking outloud.
Not sure where this is going. My eyes are week and heavy after a long day at work. Not a big fan of working on Sundays but I have found in life that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. I have a splinter or a piece of glass in my left hand thumb. Weird how it itches instead of hurts. Although when I scratch it then I feel pain. Yes, I know, don't scratch it. But it itches. Grrrrr.
My apartment is quiet now that the kids are gone. I have my screen doors open so I can let the cool breeze come in. The sound of frogs croaking, crickets chirping and geese honking fills the outside air. I wish I had a table to take outside so I could join them. But I guess the tapping of my keyboard would just be noise to them. So I will stay here at my desk rattling away until I feel what I really want to say comes from my heart to my fingers so I can be as honest and upfront as I possibly can.
I have recently, and for what reason I don't know, have been thinking back to the day that we had a family meeting. On that day we explained to our kids about our decision to separate. It was scary. Heart wrenching. Awful. It was a moment that I would never want on anyone. We cried. Well most of us. My oldest already knew. I had explained it to him earlier in the day but for my two youngest ones it was like a shot to their little hearts. I can say without doubt that it was the worst day of my life. When I said that I would be the one moving out I will never be able forget the actions of my daughter. Sitting in her moms lap she looked over at me in such confusion. Not knowing what that really meant she climbed down and came over to me and sat in my lap. As beautiful as that sounds it is a moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Raising a family is not easy but by far the most rewarding thing in life. There are no jobs, no accolades, no monetary items that are more important then family. I have always known this. Have I always had the strength and courage to live it? No. I have made mistakes along the way. It has taken me awhile but I finally understand the saying "don't let the things that matter the most be in the mercy of things that matter the least." I don't know who said that to give proper credit to but I know it is a true statement.
All in all and after some of my own soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that I haven't moved on as much as I had once thought. I have been thinking of these things ever since I heard about my ex getting engaged. To be honest I'm happy for her yet under the same breath I am jealous. Not because she's my ex and there are feelings there but because she will be able to be in a home that is not broken. A mother, father, children. Family.
I long for that. Someday I will have it again. God willing, of course. He is the one in control. He knows me. He knows my needs. He hears me. And when the time is right, my time, He will allow me to have those feelings again. Not like the splinter in my thumb but with a burning in my heart. I know my kids love their dad. I see it in their faces. Their eyes. I have no doubts. My daughter still climbs in my lap but no longer with confusion but with confidence. She knows and so do my other two that I am their father. And will be forever.
My apartment is quiet now that the kids are gone. I have my screen doors open so I can let the cool breeze come in. The sound of frogs croaking, crickets chirping and geese honking fills the outside air. I wish I had a table to take outside so I could join them. But I guess the tapping of my keyboard would just be noise to them. So I will stay here at my desk rattling away until I feel what I really want to say comes from my heart to my fingers so I can be as honest and upfront as I possibly can.
I have recently, and for what reason I don't know, have been thinking back to the day that we had a family meeting. On that day we explained to our kids about our decision to separate. It was scary. Heart wrenching. Awful. It was a moment that I would never want on anyone. We cried. Well most of us. My oldest already knew. I had explained it to him earlier in the day but for my two youngest ones it was like a shot to their little hearts. I can say without doubt that it was the worst day of my life. When I said that I would be the one moving out I will never be able forget the actions of my daughter. Sitting in her moms lap she looked over at me in such confusion. Not knowing what that really meant she climbed down and came over to me and sat in my lap. As beautiful as that sounds it is a moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Raising a family is not easy but by far the most rewarding thing in life. There are no jobs, no accolades, no monetary items that are more important then family. I have always known this. Have I always had the strength and courage to live it? No. I have made mistakes along the way. It has taken me awhile but I finally understand the saying "don't let the things that matter the most be in the mercy of things that matter the least." I don't know who said that to give proper credit to but I know it is a true statement.
All in all and after some of my own soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that I haven't moved on as much as I had once thought. I have been thinking of these things ever since I heard about my ex getting engaged. To be honest I'm happy for her yet under the same breath I am jealous. Not because she's my ex and there are feelings there but because she will be able to be in a home that is not broken. A mother, father, children. Family.
I long for that. Someday I will have it again. God willing, of course. He is the one in control. He knows me. He knows my needs. He hears me. And when the time is right, my time, He will allow me to have those feelings again. Not like the splinter in my thumb but with a burning in my heart. I know my kids love their dad. I see it in their faces. Their eyes. I have no doubts. My daughter still climbs in my lap but no longer with confusion but with confidence. She knows and so do my other two that I am their father. And will be forever.
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