All I am

I don't know why I'm still awake. I've been tossing and turning in bed for about an hour now. My brain seems to not know that it's late and I need sleep. Sometimes I don't think it cares. It's going to keep me up no matter what. I have many things dancing in my mind. I think of this and I think of that. Dreams. Things I want that I don't have. I lay silently yet the noise in my head is so sounding that I'm just unable to close my eyes.

So I just sit here at my computer typing aimlessly and hope that I am making some since of the things I say. I look around my room and my apartment and I have so many wonderful things. Things I thought I would never have again. Simple things. A table to eat off of. A couch to sit on. A living room to sit in. A bed to sleep in. A walk in closet. Holy cow, I have a walk in closet! I never had that before. So you see, in many ways I am blessed.

I was at a friends house today and I looked around his place and I could tell that he goes through great lengths to keep it in order. It was nicely decorated and, although I didn't see it, I bet his bed was made too. Then I come home to my house and see things are just in dis-array. Dishes in the sink from last Saturday night yet to be washed. Kids clothes on the floor (what else is new there?) Ironing board out and what the heck is that smell? Note to self...take trash out before going to work.

It really isn't that hard to keep this place clean. It's a small apartment. I'm the only one here 4 out of 7 days a week. Am I really that unorganized? Or is it just laziness? Both? Maybe a little. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with it all. When the kids are here it's like a massive whirlwind coming through. By the time they go back to their mothers on Sunday I feel like I have so much to do in so little time. After church it's back to the grind at work and the whole thing starts over again.

So where do I stand? Where am I? Who am I? What is important? Do I sacrifice the things that matter the most for the things that matter the least? Where are my principles? What are my principles? What am I willing to sacrifice and at what cost?

I see other people. Single people. I look into there eyes and hear the sound of their voices. They are different than mine. I feel some since to emulate them. Be them. Have their lives. Live in their world. Drive fancy cars. Drink fancy drinks. Laugh. Move and shake like they do. Seems all surreal. Are they really happy or are they missing something too? Hard to tell sometimes. The last thing I want to be is fake.

I am me. There is no other like me. I was created with me in mind. I am a rough stone. Will I ever be polished? Maybe. I have been beaten and turned around and scraped with all my life's challenges. It is not over. God willing I have plenty of time. Plenty of time to get it together. To let go and be molded into something flawless. So take me as I am. I may not be much but I'm all I have to offer. So with all that said, I'm picking my blanket off the floor and going to bed. My brain has had enough.