An old demon came and knocked on my door. Not knowing it was him I answered. He said "Hello, my friend." I stared and wondered why are you here? He came inside and laid on the table a jewel. It was beautiful. I once had it in my possession but it was taken from me. I must admit I wanted it again. I stood and looked upon it and I almost cried. Oh how I missed you my friend. I want to hold you. Touch you. Feel you wrapped around my heart once more. I reached out hesitantly. Pulled my hand back and forth several times. Do I want it again? What good will this do? I stopped and put my hands in my pockets. I needed all the strength I could muster. The demon became angry with me. "Take it!" He demanded. I just shook my head and said "No." He reluctantly picked up his jewel and headed for the door. I said, "Don't come back. I don't want you anymore." He turned and tempted once more and then he faded away as I awoke from my dream.
Oh how I wish these dreams would stop waking me from my sleep. I have moved on but when you appear again I doubt my strength. You nearly destroyed me but that has made me stronger. I am still weak but I know all things are possible. Just leave me be demons. Just leave me be.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Dance
Letting go seems to be hard for me. When I see pictures of lost loves happy and busy and moving on in life I wonder why am I not doing the same? It's not that I don't want to. I don't think I know how to. Some people come in our lives for a reason and when they have done what they were supposed to do they leave. I look back on my life before them and wonder if I am better for them being in my life or was it better they never came to me? I remember being sad then. I am sad now. I try not to focus on it but sometimes it just overwhelms me.
They say it's better to love and lost then to never have loved at all. I think I'm still trying to figure that one out. I can't imagine how I would feel now if I didn't have someone to love over these last three years. Maybe she was placed in my life at that time to prevent me from going off the deep end. Maybe I need to not think of it as a break up but as a bridge that was built before me to move me from one part of my life to another. Where would I be now if it weren't for her? I probably would have lost out on so many wonderful things. Like holding hands. Being kissed in the rain. Being told I was loved. Although things did not work out between us I at least had the chance to dance.
Reminds me of the Garth Brooks song: The Dance
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes, I would have lost out on so many things had she not been in my life. I'm thankful that she was. Still can't help but to be sad that I have to start over. Be alone. Wonder what the next possibilities are. She's going to have to be one hell of a woman though. My last one was amazing. She is on a mighty pedestal and will take a lot for her to brought down. I know it will happen. I just hope it is soon. I must move on even though I miss her terribly. I miss holding her hand. I miss her kiss. And I really miss our dance.
They say it's better to love and lost then to never have loved at all. I think I'm still trying to figure that one out. I can't imagine how I would feel now if I didn't have someone to love over these last three years. Maybe she was placed in my life at that time to prevent me from going off the deep end. Maybe I need to not think of it as a break up but as a bridge that was built before me to move me from one part of my life to another. Where would I be now if it weren't for her? I probably would have lost out on so many wonderful things. Like holding hands. Being kissed in the rain. Being told I was loved. Although things did not work out between us I at least had the chance to dance.
Reminds me of the Garth Brooks song: The Dance
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes, I would have lost out on so many things had she not been in my life. I'm thankful that she was. Still can't help but to be sad that I have to start over. Be alone. Wonder what the next possibilities are. She's going to have to be one hell of a woman though. My last one was amazing. She is on a mighty pedestal and will take a lot for her to brought down. I know it will happen. I just hope it is soon. I must move on even though I miss her terribly. I miss holding her hand. I miss her kiss. And I really miss our dance.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Goodnight Love
Goodnight love. You will be in my thoughts. My prayers. My heart.
I've watched you all day and wish we weren't apart.
I wake up with you. I sleep with you. I laugh with you.
You are with me only in my dreams. I am lonely without you.
Where did you go today? Who did you speak to? Are you alone?
My heart says no. It brings a chill to my bones.
Why not me? Am I not good enough? To be the reason for your smile?
You held my hand. Kissed my lips. Filled my life. But only for a little while.
I hang my head down low. Cry a few tears. Bang my fist upon the floor.
Scream your name in agony. Breathe deeply. Hide behind my door.
If only you could see. With eyes that are not shut. Feel me and see.
I am real. I am me. At first that was enough. But now you let me be.
With fear and reluctance I continue on. I cannot, I will not be sad anymore.
For there is one out there. Happy. Loving. Beautiful. To which I will always adore.
I've watched you all day and wish we weren't apart.
I wake up with you. I sleep with you. I laugh with you.
You are with me only in my dreams. I am lonely without you.
Where did you go today? Who did you speak to? Are you alone?
My heart says no. It brings a chill to my bones.
Why not me? Am I not good enough? To be the reason for your smile?
You held my hand. Kissed my lips. Filled my life. But only for a little while.
I hang my head down low. Cry a few tears. Bang my fist upon the floor.
Scream your name in agony. Breathe deeply. Hide behind my door.
If only you could see. With eyes that are not shut. Feel me and see.
I am real. I am me. At first that was enough. But now you let me be.
With fear and reluctance I continue on. I cannot, I will not be sad anymore.
For there is one out there. Happy. Loving. Beautiful. To which I will always adore.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
I'm In Heaven (These are lyrics to a song.)
When I hear you say my name.
When your hand touches mine.
I feel my heart skip a beat.
Can it be that you're mine.
The lovely smile upon your face.
Brings joy to my soul.
Knowing that you're with me.
Will never take it's toll.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
When you're standing next to me.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
It's where I want to be.
Times have gotten harder.
There's doubt in the air.
I don't know if we'll make it.
Sometimes it's hard to bare.
Come with me. Sing with me.
Laugh with me. Stay.
One day at a time they say.
With you I'll wait and see.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
When you're standing next to me.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
It's where I want to be.
Looking back upon our lives.
And the struggles we went through.
Not a single day went by my love
I didn't want to be with you.
We'll be together forever my love.
to our end from our birth.
One thing that I am grateful for
Was our heaven on earth.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
When you're standing next to me.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
It's where I want to be.
When your hand touches mine.
I feel my heart skip a beat.
Can it be that you're mine.
The lovely smile upon your face.
Brings joy to my soul.
Knowing that you're with me.
Will never take it's toll.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
When you're standing next to me.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
It's where I want to be.
Times have gotten harder.
There's doubt in the air.
I don't know if we'll make it.
Sometimes it's hard to bare.
Come with me. Sing with me.
Laugh with me. Stay.
One day at a time they say.
With you I'll wait and see.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
When you're standing next to me.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
It's where I want to be.
Looking back upon our lives.
And the struggles we went through.
Not a single day went by my love
I didn't want to be with you.
We'll be together forever my love.
to our end from our birth.
One thing that I am grateful for
Was our heaven on earth.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
When you're standing next to me.
Heaven.
I'm in heaven.
Heaven.
It's where I want to be.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Patience and Virtue
Why am I down today? What's triggered these feelings of emptiness? Seeing my ex? Hearing a love song? Seeing someone get kissed? The scent of a woman? Could be many things I guess. They say patience is a virtue. At times I feel I am running out of both. Patience or Virtue? They seem to go hand in hand cause if I lose patience I may lose virtue. If I remain virtuous I may be lonely forever. Hell of a catch 22.
They say all good things come to those that wait. Just sit idly by and let love land on your shoulder like a butterfly. When you least expect it, it will come. Not sure if I believe that though. Last I looked I don't have any butterflies in my house. So if I don't go outside how will one land on my shoulder? Be at the right place at the right time? Yeah that makes me feel better.
I guess it's safe to say I am in a rut. Not with it. Not feeling it. Getting frustrated. I miss being loved. Having a love song. Being kissed. Smelling her as she walks by. Holding hands. Why do these elude me so? I am not perfect. I am not looking for perfect. Is there really not one for me? Just one! Not asking for much here.
OK. I'll stop bitching. Sometimes I just can't help but let these feelings out. It doesn't make me feel any better but at least I'm not harboring how I feel. I will take a deep breath and remember the words of the prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." Or in the words of Epictetus: "Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."
I'll do my best.
They say all good things come to those that wait. Just sit idly by and let love land on your shoulder like a butterfly. When you least expect it, it will come. Not sure if I believe that though. Last I looked I don't have any butterflies in my house. So if I don't go outside how will one land on my shoulder? Be at the right place at the right time? Yeah that makes me feel better.
I guess it's safe to say I am in a rut. Not with it. Not feeling it. Getting frustrated. I miss being loved. Having a love song. Being kissed. Smelling her as she walks by. Holding hands. Why do these elude me so? I am not perfect. I am not looking for perfect. Is there really not one for me? Just one! Not asking for much here.
OK. I'll stop bitching. Sometimes I just can't help but let these feelings out. It doesn't make me feel any better but at least I'm not harboring how I feel. I will take a deep breath and remember the words of the prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." Or in the words of Epictetus: "Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens."
I'll do my best.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Days On End (Originally Written April 6th, 2009; Modified Sept 04, 2013)
There are days I feel so overwhelmed.
There are days I feel like I can't make it.
There are days I wonder why today?
There are days I wish would never come.
Those are The days I don't want to get out of bed.
Those are The days I just can't sleep.
Those are The days I wonder is this all there is?
Those are The days I can't wait to end.
That's when I wonder why I get so down.
That's when I remember what I have been taught.
That's when I discover what else I need to do.
That's when I am lifted up.
Then I feel moved.
Then I feel strengthened.
Then I feel His peace.
Then I am renewed.
These are the days I wake up for.
These are the days I know I can make it through.
These are the days I know there are no more questions.
These are the days I live for.
There are days I feel like I can't make it.
There are days I wonder why today?
There are days I wish would never come.
Those are The days I don't want to get out of bed.
Those are The days I just can't sleep.
Those are The days I wonder is this all there is?
Those are The days I can't wait to end.
That's when I wonder why I get so down.
That's when I remember what I have been taught.
That's when I discover what else I need to do.
That's when I am lifted up.
Then I feel moved.
Then I feel strengthened.
Then I feel His peace.
Then I am renewed.
These are the days I wake up for.
These are the days I know I can make it through.
These are the days I know there are no more questions.
These are the days I live for.
Nowhere To Stop (originally written April 28, 2010)
It's dark here.
This place where I live.
Huddled in a corner
like a child.
Quiet.
Wondering where life
has gone.
Going in circles
with nowhere to stop.
I am alone.
Loved and lost.
Lost without love.
Where are you?
Come find me.
Listen for my heart
and bring in the light.
This place where I live.
Huddled in a corner
like a child.
Quiet.
Wondering where life
has gone.
Going in circles
with nowhere to stop.
I am alone.
Loved and lost.
Lost without love.
Where are you?
Come find me.
Listen for my heart
and bring in the light.
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