Nowhere to stop.

It's dark here.
This place where I live.
Huddled in a corner
like a child.
Quiet.
Wondering where life
has gone.
Going in circles
with nowhere to stop.
I am alone.
Loved and lost.
Lost without love.
I need you.
Come find me.
Listen for my heart
and bring in the light.

Thinking outloud.

Not sure where this is going. My eyes are week and heavy after a long day at work. Not a big fan of working on Sundays but I have found in life that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. I have a splinter or a piece of glass in my left hand thumb. Weird how it itches instead of hurts. Although when I scratch it then I feel pain. Yes, I know, don't scratch it. But it itches. Grrrrr.

My apartment is quiet now that the kids are gone. I have my screen doors open so I can let the cool breeze come in. The sound of frogs croaking, crickets chirping and geese honking fills the outside air. I wish I had a table to take outside so I could join them. But I guess the tapping of my keyboard would just be noise to them. So I will stay here at my desk rattling away until I feel what I really want to say comes from my heart to my fingers so I can be as honest and upfront as I possibly can.

I have recently, and for what reason I don't know, have been thinking back to the day that we had a family meeting. On that day we explained to our kids about our decision to separate. It was scary. Heart wrenching. Awful. It was a moment that I would never want on anyone. We cried. Well most of us. My oldest already knew. I had explained it to him earlier in the day but for my two youngest ones it was like a shot to their little hearts. I can say without doubt that it was the worst day of my life. When I said that I would be the one moving out I will never be able forget the actions of my daughter. Sitting in her moms lap she looked over at me in such confusion. Not knowing what that really meant she climbed down and came over to me and sat in my lap. As beautiful as that sounds it is a moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Raising a family is not easy but by far the most rewarding thing in life. There are no jobs, no accolades, no monetary items that are more important then family. I have always known this. Have I always had the strength and courage to live it? No. I have made mistakes along the way. It has taken me awhile but I finally understand the saying "don't let the things that matter the most be in the mercy of things that matter the least." I don't know who said that to give proper credit to but I know it is a true statement.

All in all and after some of my own soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that I haven't moved on as much as I had once thought. I have been thinking of these things ever since I heard about my ex getting engaged. To be honest I'm happy for her yet under the same breath I am jealous. Not because she's my ex and there are feelings there but because she will be able to be in a home that is not broken. A mother, father, children. Family.

I long for that. Someday I will have it again. God willing, of course. He is the one in control. He knows me. He knows my needs. He hears me. And when the time is right, my time, He will allow me to have those feelings again. Not like the splinter in my thumb but with a burning in my heart. I know my kids love their dad. I see it in their faces. Their eyes. I have no doubts. My daughter still climbs in my lap but no longer with confusion but with confidence. She knows and so do my other two that I am their father. And will be forever.

Life moving moments

Sometimes I just amuse myself. I crack me up. How these thoughts get in my head I'll never know. Ever have a moment when you think that u are the greatest ever? Walk with a little swagger? Chin up? Lengthened stride, quick pace? Ur on top of the world? Walk down a hallway and think everyone is looking at u? Guys envy, ladies want? It doesn't take much. Sometimes it's just you woke up on the right side of the bed or traffic wasn't bad on the highway going to the office. The smell of perfume (well, for me anyway). U just feel invincible.

Well, That's how I felt today and it's all due to this cute young woman at work. I say young cause she can't be more than 25. She's from Indian decent (I think). She has dark, mocha skin. Long flowing black hair. Green Eyes. Very attractive. So before all the men on here start pointing to page one of the "Man Manual" let me be clear on one thing, I know the rules. She's too young. I get it. Not going there. Moving on.

Well a couple of weeks ago, this girl, I'll call her Ruby to protect the innocent, started what I would call flirting with me. Every time I looked up she was looking at me. Then she would look away. On occasion, as I would walk down the hallway and I would pass her while she was standing next to her friends she would put out her foot and try to trip me then pull it back and giggle. I KNOW! Very flirty. My head was spinning. I didn't know what to do.

Well today turned out to be quite surprising. I was a really shocked when she came up to me at one of our breaks and said she wanted to talk to me at lunch, she had a question for me. I know I was looking at her and I'm sure she was wondering why my face became more and more pale. I think I froze. I must have nodded yes cause she walked away. That was the longest 2 hours till lunch, EVER. The room we were in was never so hot as it was during that time. I think I went out for water several times just waiting for lunch.

Well, time came. I looked at her and saw her get up out of her chair. Gracefully, with poise she walked over toward me, hair blowing in the imaginary wind. The room went dark except for this light glowing on her every curve. I swallowed. Beads of sweat began to build. As she walked, music began to play. "Don't stand so close to me" from The Police I believe it was. Here she is. Deep breath. She leaned in and asked,

"James, I got this letter the other week from the IRS. Can you tell me what it's about?"

The music stopped, lights came back on, beads of sweat went back into my head and all I heard were tires screeching like someone was trying not to run over a kitten doing 80 miles an hour. After a brief moment of silence as I gathered my composure so as to not blurt out the biggest tear jerking laugh ever, I said "sure, I'll help you with that". It turned out to be something miner but to her it was a very big deal. She later told me that she couldn't take it to her father. He would have just gotten mad at her for bothering him with such trivial stuff. She thanked me and walked away.

It was then I realized that, no Jamie, you're not 25 anymore. Life has moved on for me whether I like it or not. All this time she wasn't checking me out she was sizing my character. She was looking for a father figure. Someone that she could trust with very personal information knowing that we could talk about it and it would never be mentioned again.

Remember those moments I mentioned earlier, the ones that make you feel proud, puffed up? There is one feeling that just trumps them all; being a father. Seeing my kids grow into mature faithful sons and daughter is simply overwhelming, especially when those feelings comes from someone who is not your child. So when I walked down the hallway tonight, on my way home, I walked with a different kind of swagger. Oh I was still king of the world, but for very, very different reason. Thank you Ruby.

A Time For Thanks.

Hard to believe it's been since September that I posted something to my blog. Sorry to all my followers, all four of you, for my absence. I have been hit with writers block I guess. I wanted to say something but just couldn't get it out of my head right.

Well, here it is. November 26th. Thanksgiving. Where has this year gone. Just seems like yesterday that the new year rang in. And before you know it Christmas bells will be ringing again and we will soon after be celebrating the dawn of a new year. Amazing.

As I sit thinking of the things that happened to me this year I can't help but to be thankful that it is almost over. This last year and a half have been the longest and hardest of my life. So I say good riddance. Be gone with you and thank heaven you will never, ever come again. You will not be missed.

But under the same breath that I curse this time, I also give thanks. I give thanks to all of those who for years have called me friend by words alone and by example when I needed you the most. I want my best friend Coy to know that with out his constant persistence to stand by me during those times when standing was impossible for me to do alone I knew you were there to help. I only can hope to be the friend you are to me in return to you. For that I am thankful.

This year has also brought me new friendships that I can't imagine being without. One in particular is a friend I have yet to meet but she knows everything about me. We have been able to lean on each other for help during those rough days where getting out of bed were hard. She always had the right things to say. She always lent a shoulder for me when I needed one. I think it's a wonderful thing when two people, who struggle with their own difficulties can stand back to back and help each other stand. Thank you my beautiful friend for helping me to find me again. You have helped me feel more like a man in the few short months that I have known you than any in my entire life without you. For you I am thankful.

I am thankful for my children. You are my everything. I live and breath for you. I know this is hard on you but you have been resilient and immovable in the love you have for me. You won't know what that's like until u have kids of your own. Today Caleb noticed that when we are both standing in bare feet, one in front of the other, staring eye to eye, that he is now taller than me. Holy crap. how did that happen? You are turning into a great young man. I love you Caleb. Now if you can just get along with your brother. For the three of you...I am eternally thankful.

So many of my days during this last year I struggled. Days where I felt I was swimming with just my nose out of the water so I could breathe. I fell in love with this quote, "I have found myself upon my knees after the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go." Abraham Lincoln. Thank you Mr. Lincoln for helping me to remember that I will always have somewhere to go. I have gained a greater appreciation for prayer. Just knowing that my Father in Heaven was there and He wanted to heal me but I had to make the move to receive His blessings. Ever see that artist picture of Christ knocking on the door? He wants in but unless you let Him in He will stay outside and knock cause there is no handle on His side of the door. For Him, prayer, the Atonement and the blessings that I have received, I am forever thankful.

And thank you for reading what is in my heart and my the spirit of the Lord be with you this Christmas season.

The Power of Lyrics in Songs and the Sway of the Music

Some of you may have already seen that I included a music player to my blog. I love it. I love music and the lyrics that are in them. Well, some of them anyway. I do like this player but unfortunately I discovered that this company sells adveretising to a pornographic dating website. That's all I need. So I am in search of another player. Any suggestions would be great.

I am so grateful for music. There have been many times when music has has boosted me during a hard day or has given me reason to reflect on my family or friends. Believe me, there is nothing better for me than to blast AC/DC's Back in Black after having a stressful day at work. There's just something about the opening to that song that makes me forget the day. Yes. Im the kind of guy that sings in his car at the top of his lungs only to stop and turn the radio down when I pull up to a stop light. Thats just too embarrassing. LOL.

My reason for this particular blog is too express my feelings on how music can be a healing tool. It amazes me how I can be listing to a song and think to myself "Damn, I can relate". Ever done that? Some songs, if they are on a cd or the computer, I would play over and over again just so I can listen and understand the full meaning of it. Yes, sometimes they would pick my spirits up. Other times they would make me realize that my life needed to change. Either way I was moved by them.

I must admit to that I have a small bromance going on. As u can see from my playlist that it is filled with songs by Rob Thomas. The man is a lyrical genius. I have never heard so many songs writen by one person that related to me so much. A song that he wrote and sung by Matchbox 20 called "Hang" was the song I listed to when I knew it was clear to me that I was heading for a divorce. The song is about a breakup. It's on my list. Listen to it. Now, on his new CD called Cradlesong, he has written a song called "Give Me The Meltdown". I can't put it on my playlist cause it isn't released yet. You can find it on Youtube though if ur interested in hearing it. My favorite line from it is "Late at night, Late at night, you weep for something better than the secrets you keep". How many nights I did just that. Secretly. To myself. Wanting to let it all out. But the secrets were never more painful than the outcome they would cause. So I held onto them. I have since learned that nothing is better than the truth. And not only that but to never get into that position in the first place.

Anyway im starting to ramble. What id really like to do is hear about the songs that has made a difference to you. What song brought you to ur knees? What artist sang to ur heart and made u a better person? All the songs I have listed mean something to me and every time I hear them Im grateful for them. When I find more I will post them on here and if u let me know which songs did it for u I will post them here as well so that others may hear them and maybe make a difference in their life. We all need healing of some kind. I hope listening to what brought me peace will do the same for you. Enjoy!

Writing to Heal

My main focus with my blog is to express thoughts on the topic of healing. I have found that when I write down all the pains and emotions that I am going through they tend not to linger around. It's therapeutic. In fact there is a website called writingtoheal.com that tells how to write down your thoughts and feelings effectively so you can heal and be able to let certain pains from this life go. It's an absolute amazing thing. To be able to let go and be free.

I have struggled, as most of my friends know, from a very painful divorce. I limped along in life after I left the comforts of my own home to a life of so much uncertainty and doubt. I tried to figure out how I was going to be able to overcome those thoughts of guilt that completely bogged me down. Guilt you ask? Well most divorces don't just happen because two people fall out of love with each other. There usually is someone or both in a marriage that has done something wrong to warrant the end of the union. I'm not here to discuss it but to discuss the need to heal from it.

I have often wondered how I was going to rid myself of all the misery that I put myself into. How was I going to heal? How was I going to be "whole" and what does being "whole" mean anyway? I have a friend that talks constantly about her healing and how "whole" she is now. I long for the personal revelation to what that means in my life and how I will be able to say it about me. She does yoga. Do I have to do yoga too to be whole? Heaven forbid. I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. She eats sushi. Sushi? Please. If it ain't deep fried I'm not touching fish, well, at least cooked.

Since my separation I have found many new friends and for one reason or another they tell me about the problems and pains that they are going through. It is so easy to express problems with others who are also going through hardships. It's like we relate to each other and I am so grateful for my friends both new and old. You have been there for me in my trials and have helped me tremendously. I only hope I have been there for you as well. I have found a place in my heart for you and long for your recovery as much as my own.

So that leads me to what I would like to discuss. I'm very interested in hearing what you have done in your lives to overcome those things that have brought you down in your life. Whether it was something you did or has happened to you from the fault of others, death, depression and so forth. I'm not looking to know what your problems are or were as much as I am looking to learn how you healed. Was it a close friend who gave you advise and who's shoulder you cried on, was it a song you heard, council from a spiritual adviser, religion, yoga, prayer? Whatever?

For me, I still long to be completely healed. To be whole. To be able to wake up some morning and know that I am loved. That I am happy. That I am forgiven. That I am not bogged down by memories of my personal failures. I'm not there yet but firmly believe I am on the right path. And at the end of this path I am finally able to let go, live and be free.

In The Beginning

Well, here we go. My very first attempt at blogging. Never thought I would become a blogger. Who knows, I may do it this once and be done with it forever or this may be the first of many. Either way I am going to do it. I have spent way to many nights sitting at home thinking of things that I want to do only to be destracted by that blooming boob tube only 7 feet from where i'm sitting. Time to turn that thing off (well, until Lost starts up again). So bare with me, this is all new.

Speaking of new, I am about to embark on a new path in my life. After 14 years of marriage, a painful divorce and plenty of therapy sessions I am about to start dating again. As Charlie Brown would say "Oh Good Grief". It has been a long time since I dated. I can't even remember who it was with, well, besides my ex of course or even where we went or did. Knowing me it was just a dinner and a movie. I'm sure the dating scene has changed quite drastically over these last 15 years or so.

To be honest, I'm nervous. How am I going to act? What should I ware? Jeans or khakis? Well, I guess the answers to those questions are just to simply be me. If she doesn't like "just me" then why is she going out with me to begin with, right? What if I do something stupid? Say something stupid? Ever heard John Mayer's song "My stupid mouth"? Makes me wonder if his stupid mouth ever got him in trouble with a date.

So, with all that being said, I want to pose a question. And this question is directed at all the women who read this blog. Men you can answer but I won't hold it against you if you don't. The question is; What are three things a man should NOT do while on a FIRST date? The answers can be from personal experiences, stories you've heard from friends or something you've seen on the boob tube.

I hope to get a lot of replys to this question. After all, I have my first post divorce date Aug 15th. I will be reading your responses VERY intently.