A Moment Of Gratitude

I am not sure what to write here. I have very mixed emotions at this time so trying to find the right words seems hard at the moment. Some moments I feel amazing. Some times very sad. I'm so tired of being sad. This whole year has so far been a beautiful one yet at the same time very ugly. I look back over the last six months of this year and wonder how it has gone so fast. Seems like yesterday I was ringing in the new year. I remember not knowing what to expect for this year. I had some goals in mind that I wanted to achieve and some things I wanted to do. I know I have time left to accomplish those things but I better get a move on. 

My only New Years resolution this year was to be able to stand in front of a mirror at the end of the year and look myself square in the eyes and say "See, I told you so!" What I meant by that was I wanted to be able to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. It was kind of a booster of my self worth if you will. I had no expectations. No plans. Just a desire to do something that made me feel good. Something that I can show my kids that anything is possible. I still have an idea on what that is and I only have six more months to get it into action. I won't say here what that is here but eventually I'll post how it all turns out. 

So now I lay here in bed. I hear the crickets chirping out of my window and the gentle breeze of my ceiling fan is blowing on my exposed skin. It feels wonderful. I have so many things to be thankful for. I own my home. I'm in pretty good shape. My kids know that I love them and they love me. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all though. Fear of not being a better provider or teacher. Always thinking that my kids failures are my failures I'm not a perfect dad but when my kids wrap their rms around me and show compassion for me I get a bit puffed up. I love them unconditionally. 

I have not taken the time needed lately to count my many blessings. The Lord had been merciful to me and I feel his presence near me in time if trial and heartache. My patriarchal blessings says that I will have many trials and tribulations in life but with the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as a guide for my life I will constantly make the right choices no matter which path I may trod. That tells me that no matter what I do in life that I will have help along the way. How grateful I am for that. 

I don't say it very often except in my own prayers but I am thankful for my Hevenly Father. I know he is real. I know he knows me as I have had countless experiences where I know he was guiding me. I do not know what lay in store for me. I hope I have many years on this earth left to enjoy. To enjoy my children and their children. I hope to remarry. I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I am confidant though that Heaveky Father knows what's best for me. Maybe I should say "who's" best for me. All I can do is remain faithful and be believing. Some days it's easy. Some days it's very hard. But I know for a fact that it will all be worth it. 

Photo Of You

All I have is a photo of you
And deep embedded memories
Of a time we spent together
When everything was so free

Walking in our wonderland
Where earth and time stood still
Singing songs of love unfained
Testing our every will

I have never felt a love like this
The kind you hear about in songs
Making our journey with hand in hand
Knowing this is where we belong

Now I'm not so sure anymore
As your image fades away
I am here and you are there
Feeling lonely everyday

I wish I could express to you
The way my broken heart has healed
Even though I was lost and afraid
I will not deny the way I feel

I know I'm not alone with you
My heart tells me so
Wondering if it's me you want
Or if you're gently letting me go

I do not know where this will end
I only know where I want to be
Sitting together and growing old
Gazing at photos of you and me

Some Simple Things

Here are some simple things that makes me happy and in no particular order.

The compassionate acts of my children.
The random text that says, "Hey. How are you?"
Air conditioner
That one testimony from a member at church that brings a tear to my eye.
Love pat on the butt.
A clean home
A shoulder to cry on
New socks
The Atonement
Finding forgotten money.
Repentance
Friends
A quiet home
My children laughing hysterically
Wrapped up in a blanket in a cold room
The hoot of an owl
This blog
A hand to hold


These are just a small amount of things that bring me immense joy. Some may sound silly but I have reasons for them. All of those on this list has helped me find my way in life when I have been down. It doesn't take much for me to be happy. I'm a simple man really. I may not have everything in the world but everything I have means the world to me.

Thanks for reading.

Faith

I must have faith. There are too many miracles in this world to simply believe there are none for me.

I Wish I Had Been Able To See

I wish I had been able to see inside your eyes
When the moon light lit up my darkend skies
For in them I would have seen your soul
And found room enough for us both to grow

I'm left now to wonder why I couldn't see
The radiant sun filled life you wanted for me
For nothing in this world you wanted more
Than to love this man who was so unsure

I've never held on to much hope in life
I found sometimes that it cuts like a knife
Time is a healer of many broken parts
But how does it mend a newly broken heart

For if you leave me now you will never know
How much love there is I have to show
I promise you now as I couldnt before
Be the man you wanted to love and adore

Take me by the hand and you will see
Radiant sun filled skies for you and me
Never remembering the pain and fear
We once endured that brought us here

I wish you could see inside my eyes
Now that I have said all my goodbyes
Deep down inside my brightend soul
You will find a place for our love to grow

Rear View Mirror

Taking a break from poetry for awhile. I need to post what's going on in my head at the moment. Sometimes things happen and we don't know why. These last six months have been some of my darkest months of my life. Well, it seems that way. Have you ever been so numb that nothing phases you? Even some of the strongest emotions that are pressing against you can feel like a fly on a wall. And the worst thing about it is it can't be controlled. Not by me anyway. Somedays it was all I could do to get out of bed.

I often wondered where my heart has been. Actually I know. I had a wall wrapped around it so high and so thick that even the most deserving couldn't break through it. It was going to take a lot more than that. Something spiritual. Something Godly. Something I wasn't expecting. I had cone to the conclusion that I wasn't worth it. That my soul would never find love. True love. Not something that passed in the night to never be seen again. But the kind that takes your heart and forces it to pump emotions through your veins that you have never before felt. The kind that leaves you breathless. The kind that walks with you when all you want to do is lie still.

I have often posted on here that I may not have ever been loved before. It's a very lonely feeling knowing that you haven't been good enough to deserve the very all someone else wants to give you. Then someone came along. She gave and gave and gave. That's a true sign of love they say. Always giving and not asking for anything in return. Well, except for the same in return. And that takes me right back to my problem.

This has been a very long seven years from my divorce. I have dated several women. One very serious relationship and others that had the possibility of being something more than a fancy wish. I have had my heart crushed. I have had it stomped on. I have had it left in the dust for the vultures to feed on. One would think that the way it was treated it would never want to be with that person or persons again. That only makes logical since right? Oh but not me. Not my brain. My brain convinces me that there can be no other and that what I had was the best I was going to always have. And my heart sank into despair. And there it stayed.

Then a miracle. To me anyway. It wasn't much really. So small in fact that I didn't recognize it at first. Doing something that I do on a normal basis it never dawned on me that it would then make a big difference in my life. I felt I had to visit my past once more. I had to know why was I holding on. Not sure of the outcome I went to see my friend. This friend was a woman I loved. Or thought I loved. I went to see her and we laughed together. Talked about all that is going on in our lives now that we hadn't seen each other in two years. It was good to see her.

Then it happened. We said our goodbyes. Hugged for what feels like the last time. She turned and walked away. I watched for moment as she slowly disappeared. I got back into my car and started to drive away. And without warning of any kind and out of the deepest of blues I knew that my past was finally in my past. I had been holding on to something I thought I wanted in my life but as I watched that town vanish in my rear view mirror I knew there was nowhere else to go but forward. Forward to new possibilities. New adventures and, by God I hope, new love.

People talk about having weights lifted off your shoulders. That's exactly how it feels. I am lighter. I feel free. I feel hopeful. Im not being held down by the hopes of things I don't want in my life. Period.  I have been allowed to finally see what is before me. What has been there holding on while I try to discover myself. She was there and she loved me. I do not know what the future holds. Am I still healing? Sure. Am I perfect? No. Those things didn't matter to her. All this time she has been in my life I have appreciated more than anything her friendship. It's a new friendship and it has been strained by my past. I know we will always be friends but I have hurt her deeply and I don't know if she will be able to forgive me. I only hope she will allow me to show her what I am really like. If she loved me when I was constrained I can only imagine the love we can have now that I am free.