A Moment Of Gratitude

I am not sure what to write here. I have very mixed emotions at this time so trying to find the right words seems hard at the moment. Some moments I feel amazing. Some times very sad. I'm so tired of being sad. This whole year has so far been a beautiful one yet at the same time very ugly. I look back over the last six months of this year and wonder how it has gone so fast. Seems like yesterday I was ringing in the new year. I remember not knowing what to expect for this year. I had some goals in mind that I wanted to achieve and some things I wanted to do. I know I have time left to accomplish those things but I better get a move on. 

My only New Years resolution this year was to be able to stand in front of a mirror at the end of the year and look myself square in the eyes and say "See, I told you so!" What I meant by that was I wanted to be able to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. It was kind of a booster of my self worth if you will. I had no expectations. No plans. Just a desire to do something that made me feel good. Something that I can show my kids that anything is possible. I still have an idea on what that is and I only have six more months to get it into action. I won't say here what that is here but eventually I'll post how it all turns out. 

So now I lay here in bed. I hear the crickets chirping out of my window and the gentle breeze of my ceiling fan is blowing on my exposed skin. It feels wonderful. I have so many things to be thankful for. I own my home. I'm in pretty good shape. My kids know that I love them and they love me. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all though. Fear of not being a better provider or teacher. Always thinking that my kids failures are my failures I'm not a perfect dad but when my kids wrap their rms around me and show compassion for me I get a bit puffed up. I love them unconditionally. 

I have not taken the time needed lately to count my many blessings. The Lord had been merciful to me and I feel his presence near me in time if trial and heartache. My patriarchal blessings says that I will have many trials and tribulations in life but with the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as a guide for my life I will constantly make the right choices no matter which path I may trod. That tells me that no matter what I do in life that I will have help along the way. How grateful I am for that. 

I don't say it very often except in my own prayers but I am thankful for my Hevenly Father. I know he is real. I know he knows me as I have had countless experiences where I know he was guiding me. I do not know what lay in store for me. I hope I have many years on this earth left to enjoy. To enjoy my children and their children. I hope to remarry. I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I am confidant though that Heaveky Father knows what's best for me. Maybe I should say "who's" best for me. All I can do is remain faithful and be believing. Some days it's easy. Some days it's very hard. But I know for a fact that it will all be worth it.