Rear View Mirror

Taking a break from poetry for awhile. I need to post what's going on in my head at the moment. Sometimes things happen and we don't know why. These last six months have been some of my darkest months of my life. Well, it seems that way. Have you ever been so numb that nothing phases you? Even some of the strongest emotions that are pressing against you can feel like a fly on a wall. And the worst thing about it is it can't be controlled. Not by me anyway. Somedays it was all I could do to get out of bed.

I often wondered where my heart has been. Actually I know. I had a wall wrapped around it so high and so thick that even the most deserving couldn't break through it. It was going to take a lot more than that. Something spiritual. Something Godly. Something I wasn't expecting. I had cone to the conclusion that I wasn't worth it. That my soul would never find love. True love. Not something that passed in the night to never be seen again. But the kind that takes your heart and forces it to pump emotions through your veins that you have never before felt. The kind that leaves you breathless. The kind that walks with you when all you want to do is lie still.

I have often posted on here that I may not have ever been loved before. It's a very lonely feeling knowing that you haven't been good enough to deserve the very all someone else wants to give you. Then someone came along. She gave and gave and gave. That's a true sign of love they say. Always giving and not asking for anything in return. Well, except for the same in return. And that takes me right back to my problem.

This has been a very long seven years from my divorce. I have dated several women. One very serious relationship and others that had the possibility of being something more than a fancy wish. I have had my heart crushed. I have had it stomped on. I have had it left in the dust for the vultures to feed on. One would think that the way it was treated it would never want to be with that person or persons again. That only makes logical since right? Oh but not me. Not my brain. My brain convinces me that there can be no other and that what I had was the best I was going to always have. And my heart sank into despair. And there it stayed.

Then a miracle. To me anyway. It wasn't much really. So small in fact that I didn't recognize it at first. Doing something that I do on a normal basis it never dawned on me that it would then make a big difference in my life. I felt I had to visit my past once more. I had to know why was I holding on. Not sure of the outcome I went to see my friend. This friend was a woman I loved. Or thought I loved. I went to see her and we laughed together. Talked about all that is going on in our lives now that we hadn't seen each other in two years. It was good to see her.

Then it happened. We said our goodbyes. Hugged for what feels like the last time. She turned and walked away. I watched for moment as she slowly disappeared. I got back into my car and started to drive away. And without warning of any kind and out of the deepest of blues I knew that my past was finally in my past. I had been holding on to something I thought I wanted in my life but as I watched that town vanish in my rear view mirror I knew there was nowhere else to go but forward. Forward to new possibilities. New adventures and, by God I hope, new love.

People talk about having weights lifted off your shoulders. That's exactly how it feels. I am lighter. I feel free. I feel hopeful. Im not being held down by the hopes of things I don't want in my life. Period.  I have been allowed to finally see what is before me. What has been there holding on while I try to discover myself. She was there and she loved me. I do not know what the future holds. Am I still healing? Sure. Am I perfect? No. Those things didn't matter to her. All this time she has been in my life I have appreciated more than anything her friendship. It's a new friendship and it has been strained by my past. I know we will always be friends but I have hurt her deeply and I don't know if she will be able to forgive me. I only hope she will allow me to show her what I am really like. If she loved me when I was constrained I can only imagine the love we can have now that I am free.