The inside of me

As most of you know I started this blog as a place to air my stuff. Some stuff has been funny, some are serious. Some just indicate my mood at the time. I hope you don't mind the ramblings on sometimes. I can ramble for sure. I where my heart on one sleeve and my emotions on the other. What I say here is real and I don't mind letting you in so you can feel what I feel. I love to write. It is a new found passion (see last post). So with that said, here is something swirling around in my head at the moment.

I am a good man. At least I think so. I am who I am from decisions made in my life. Some good, some bad, some down right terrible. But I am who I am. I am 42. So to say I'm new at this is far fetched. I have had experiences that I treasure and some that I wish never came my way. But through it all I have discovered things about me that are what make me, well, me.

I am a Mormon. I was born in the church, baptized when I was 8. Served a mission at 19 and have been active all my life. I love it. I think my life would be so different without it. For the worse. The Gospel can be hard to live sometime. But through faith I have survived many trials that have come my way. There have been many times that I had fallen short of what I believe and it really destroyed my marriage. I am at fault for my faults and for no one else. Being Mormon is and will always be ever present in my life.

I am emotional. Can't watch a hallmark commercial without getting all teary eyed. Drives me nuts sometimes. Seriously, I think there is a deficiency somewhere in me. But with that emotion comes tenderness. I'm very gentle. I don't like violence. Well, the kids may tell you different. Grrrr! Anyway, I was born with a broken collar bone. My sister will tell you that because of that I was treated and handled very differently as a baby. I guess that's where it came from.

I am a product of a broken family. My father ruled the house as kind as he could but when he felt crossed in any way he changed. Different persona, if you will. Later the alcohol came and all the fights with my mom. I remember, vividly, laying in bed one night and hearing my parents get into it. What made them think that it was OK to start fighting at 2 in the morning? As a 8 or 9 year old kid, I didn't feel like there was much I could do but lay awake and listen. My mother was no slouch either. There were times when all I heard was her yelling. Self defense I guess. But as I heard the door rattle and the noise get louder, I made a vow to myself. A nine year old vow. I will never hit my wife. My ex and I had our problems. I never yelled like he yelled and I kept my vow. My promise to myself. And I always will.

I am a romantic. My ex may say other wise. It takes 2 to tango. I love to hold hands, kiss in public and I love to dance. Yes, I said dance. Not out at da club (although I have been to a few). I believe when you are at one with your partner, dancing can be a form of foreplay with no want for sex after. Holding each other and swaying to music or just the rhythm of your breaths,can be exhilarating. I'm a very touchy feely guy. Nothing says I love you more than a pat on the butt, too.

I have dreams. Aspirations. Sometimes visions. They are personal. If I share them with you consider yourself loved. I wouldn't share them with someone I disliked. In my dreams I have a love. A love you only dream about but mine is real. In my dreams I am wealthy without money. I have enough for my needs and that is all I need. I have friends who love me and I them. And I play one mean game of basketball.

Well, I guess I could go on. I think I have said enough. I sit here in my room alone with nothing but my fan to keep me company. There are times when I feel the worst case of loneliness. I do not like it. I was not meant to be alone. I have so much to give if only I had someone to share it with. This is not a booty call. I am just saying that I believe I am a good catch. I have gone through many trials. I am scarred and have been through the ringer. But this in no way changes the fact that I am a good man. Get to know me and you will see. I have a lot of love to give.