Once I Was Loved

I don't know where this is going but I have a need to write. I just feel it stirring in me I guess. So here we are. A new year is upon us. I can't really tell if last year went by quickly or if it took forever to end. Either way it's over. I have a lot of fond memories for the last year. Memories I hope to never forget. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have had many ups and downs. I want to say the ups were so superior to the downs because the were absolutely amazing. It is easy sometimes to get lost in the negativity that comes our way and it helps blind what is or was so good in our lives. I wish for a moment to elaborate on something that happened to me this past year that was beyond anything I could have hoped for. Although there are many more. My kids especially. Maybe one day I'll blog about them. Their stores are a little more private though so we'll see.

For anyone that has read my posts from before know I have always questioned on whether or not I have ever been loved. Real love. True love. It seemed to have always presented itself with fancy ornaments or clever disguises but was never the real thing. This year though and maybe for just a brief moment in time I knew beyond doubt that I was loved. And it was the best feeling that I have ever had. The kind where the thought of someone would just light up your whole countenance. The kind that left you tingling down your spine. I have heard of that kind before but always thought it was so cliche'ish but it describes it perfectly. Once I felt it I never wanted to lose it. Ever.

When I thought of her my future seemed like the whitest and fullest of moons shinning down on me from a pitch black sky. I was not afraid as I could see everything around me. I could look upon her beauty and not be scared or blinded. And when she touched me, oh the heaven I was in. I loved the way her hand felt in mine. The way her lips pressed against mine. And when she spoke words of adoration my heart just melted. She was always looking out for my comfort. Giving of her substance just to see me smile. I have never felt so in tune with anyone my entire life. And for those briefest of moments, I was happy.

I do not know what the future holds. I do not know where this will eventually go. As with so many other things last year this up in my life seemed to short lived. Right now we are apart trying to figure some things out. I do remain hopeful that someday things will not be just as they were but better. I saw us together for many years to come. Loving and sharing moments not only with us but with our children as well. I know without doubt that families are forever, no matter how they are forged.

But then there is the down side. Things may never be the way they were before and as much as that hurts this glued together heart of mine I know I will be ok. It will take some time I'm sure as it always does with me. But when I sit and reflect on the relationship I had with this God send of a woman in my life I will always, always be thankful that even for one small moment in this long life of mine, I was loved. And I will never forget it.





 

Beautiful

"At times I just don't know
How you could be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

And I know that I will never change
Cause we've been friends through rain or shine
For such a long, long time

Laughing eyes and smiling face
It seems so lucky just to have the right
Of telling you with all my might
You're beautiful tonight

And I know that you will never stray
Cause you've been that way from day to day
For such a long, long time

And when you hold me tight
How could life be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

And I know that I will never change
Cause we've been friends through rain or shine
For such a long, long time

And I must say it means so much to me
To be the one who's telling you
I'm telling you
That you're beautiful"

Gordon Lightfoot

Questions And Fears

I wonder what she sees in me
When she looks into my soul
With eyes that weaken my knees

Do I melt her heart with pride
When my arms wrap around her
And hold her gently by my side

Does she see the way I feel
When I look into my own soul
Having questions to what is real

How can she love me so
When I haven't much to give
And so much still to grow

I try to have faith and carry on
But it's a heavy burden to bare
As I wander quietly along

For when I look into those eyes
And see deep into her soul
It's my beating heart that cries

For I'm afraid I'll awake one day
And see her light has gone
As she had silently slipped away

Loss For Words

I wish
There were words

To discribe 

How I feel about

You 

I would take
Them
And create the 

Most beautiful 

Poem 

Sing them in a

Song

Whisper them softly

Into your ear

Leaving goosebumps

On your 

Skin

As they move

From your
Head 

To your
Toes

And when they
Reach Your
Heart

Your whole soul

Will know 

That you are

Loved

With Great Hope

I think of her all the time
Not a moment goes by
All the hours in the day
She is on my mind

I wake up and she's  here
I fall asleep and she's here
When I walk around town
She is everywhere

The blue in her eyes
The hair on her back
The sweet smell of her neck
My senses under attack

Then there's that voice
Oh that sweet sound
It's addicting I know
Not another will be found

I long to hear her
To smell her
To touch her
To be with her

Being without her is lonely
But I do what I can
I do it with great hopes
To again be her man

A Moment Of Gratitude

I am not sure what to write here. I have very mixed emotions at this time so trying to find the right words seems hard at the moment. Some moments I feel amazing. Some times very sad. I'm so tired of being sad. This whole year has so far been a beautiful one yet at the same time very ugly. I look back over the last six months of this year and wonder how it has gone so fast. Seems like yesterday I was ringing in the new year. I remember not knowing what to expect for this year. I had some goals in mind that I wanted to achieve and some things I wanted to do. I know I have time left to accomplish those things but I better get a move on. 

My only New Years resolution this year was to be able to stand in front of a mirror at the end of the year and look myself square in the eyes and say "See, I told you so!" What I meant by that was I wanted to be able to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. It was kind of a booster of my self worth if you will. I had no expectations. No plans. Just a desire to do something that made me feel good. Something that I can show my kids that anything is possible. I still have an idea on what that is and I only have six more months to get it into action. I won't say here what that is here but eventually I'll post how it all turns out. 

So now I lay here in bed. I hear the crickets chirping out of my window and the gentle breeze of my ceiling fan is blowing on my exposed skin. It feels wonderful. I have so many things to be thankful for. I own my home. I'm in pretty good shape. My kids know that I love them and they love me. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all though. Fear of not being a better provider or teacher. Always thinking that my kids failures are my failures I'm not a perfect dad but when my kids wrap their rms around me and show compassion for me I get a bit puffed up. I love them unconditionally. 

I have not taken the time needed lately to count my many blessings. The Lord had been merciful to me and I feel his presence near me in time if trial and heartache. My patriarchal blessings says that I will have many trials and tribulations in life but with the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as a guide for my life I will constantly make the right choices no matter which path I may trod. That tells me that no matter what I do in life that I will have help along the way. How grateful I am for that. 

I don't say it very often except in my own prayers but I am thankful for my Hevenly Father. I know he is real. I know he knows me as I have had countless experiences where I know he was guiding me. I do not know what lay in store for me. I hope I have many years on this earth left to enjoy. To enjoy my children and their children. I hope to remarry. I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I am confidant though that Heaveky Father knows what's best for me. Maybe I should say "who's" best for me. All I can do is remain faithful and be believing. Some days it's easy. Some days it's very hard. But I know for a fact that it will all be worth it. 

Photo Of You

All I have is a photo of you
And deep embedded memories
Of a time we spent together
When everything was so free

Walking in our wonderland
Where earth and time stood still
Singing songs of love unfained
Testing our every will

I have never felt a love like this
The kind you hear about in songs
Making our journey with hand in hand
Knowing this is where we belong

Now I'm not so sure anymore
As your image fades away
I am here and you are there
Feeling lonely everyday

I wish I could express to you
The way my broken heart has healed
Even though I was lost and afraid
I will not deny the way I feel

I know I'm not alone with you
My heart tells me so
Wondering if it's me you want
Or if you're gently letting me go

I do not know where this will end
I only know where I want to be
Sitting together and growing old
Gazing at photos of you and me