The Last Hug

That moment when your oldest child walks out the front door because he's found a new place to live.

That just happened to me.

Wishing Well

If I could wish upon star
And every penny in a well
From every beat of my heart
Would come a story to sad to tell

I close my eyes and see inside
This dark and dreary place
Hoping to find a corner to hide
My sad and lonely face

Why alone must I journey here
What lessons do I have to learn
Is there really not anyone near
That will make my spirit yearn

For deep inside this lonely mind
A flicker of light remains
But is it enough that I might find
The cure to all this pain

For wish I may and wish I might
As I gaze towards the blue
I'll put this penny back in my pocket
As wishes rarely come true

A Beautiful Rose

Today was one of those beautiful spiritual days that make all of the ugly bad days seem less important. Today my beautiful daughter received her patriarchal blessing. What a wonderful moment for her. I'm so proud of her. She is turning into a beautiful young woman who has countless blessings that await her.

I was particularly moved when the patriarch began talking about her becoming a mother some day. His words flowed almost poetically as he described the kind of life she would have as a mother with a righteous man by her side raising her family and being the heart of the home. Tears began to flow with everyone in the room including the patriarch. The spirit was so strong in that room. We were all touched. After the blessing we all just sat there for a few minutes in silence. All you could hear were the sound of sniffling then a little laughter.

She came up to me afterward and we hugged oh so tightly. I told her I loved her and am very proud of her. My heart is full as I see her becoming a beautiful young woman. It's hard to see your kids grow up knowing there will come a day when they will be on their own making their own lives. But as hard as it is I would have it no other way. I rejoice in the knowledge that my children will be able to stand on their own two feet someday. They may struggle at times but didn't we all? I may not agree with their decisions in life but if they do their best at whatever it is I will be a happy dad.

I love my children deeply. I am not the best dad. I am not perfect. But my children love me in spite of my flaws and I love them in spite of theirs. Even though we are apart most days we are family. We are united in love and though the Preisthood. They are my children forever. And I am eternally grateful for that.

Finding A Penny

I had a dream about her the other day. Doesn't surprise me really. She has been on my mind lately and I don't know why. It was a simple dream. Just the two of us. I couldn't see her face but knew it was her by the sound of her voice. She just talked. I remember listening intently. She was really into what she was saying. Very animated. Her pitch raised and lowered with every word. I do not remember what she was saying. I just remember how she made me feel. I was content just listening. In fact I don't remember uttering a single word. She went on and on and I was enjoying every minute of it.

As the sun started to shine through my window I began to awake from my dream. I was in that silent lucid state where I was aware of my surroundings yet I could still hear her talk. I tried desperately to control my dream. I wanted it to go on. I didn't want this to end. Slowly but surely and no matter how hard I tried to fight it I awoke. I continued to lay there quietly trying my best to remember everything. Her sound. Her smell. Her presence. I was sad it was over.

Ever see that movie Somewhere In Time? That moment when Richard found the penny in his change pocket? That is how I felt. Having this beautiful moment of complete bliss then having it dashed by reality. Snapped from my inner world of hope and tranquility only to awaken back into my lonely bed. Seems so tragic. But life goes on and I pulled myself out of bed and went on with my day.

I think it's normal from time to time to reminisce about the past. I don't dwell on it much like I used to do. Letting her go was the hardest thing for me. Dreams like this, though, remind me that my feelings for her were real. I know there is a huge part of me that misses her still. Wonders how she is doing and if she ever thinks of me. Maybe someday I will know.

I do not know what lay in store for me. I do not know which path I will follow. All I do know is I will keep walking. Praying that my footsteps will be guided. Having faith that someday I will understand why I am where I am at this time in my life. Hoping to have the woman that I love and adore next to me during the day to battle life's uncertainties and at night to comfort each other, even in our dreams.

For Our Sons And Daughters

A few weeks ago my son came up to me and said, "Umm, so dad, I'm going to a gay bar with friends tonight to see a drag queen that will be here for tonight only." We stood there looking at each other for what felt like an eternity. I started having flashbacks to when he was little and remembering all the things that I and his mother taught him. Now that he is a grown man and making decisions on his own it's difficult to find words to say when he chooses to do something that goes against his upbringing. The only words that came to mind was simply, "Well, be safe."

The issue I was having was really not a safety thing. It was more of me not being able to relate to my son very well. I mean...what do you really say? My mind draws to that moment when I think about the tragic events in Orlando last week. I think of those men and women who were gunned down because they wanted to be with those that have gone and are going through many of the same tough life decisions. And then I think about the fathers having the same conversation with their sons and daughters that I had with mine. I wonder what they said to them that day. Did they draw a blank? Was the only thing they could come up with was, "Well, be safe"? I cant imagin the heartbreak and heartache they went through later that night knowing that was the last conversation they had with their child. My heart aches for them.

As fathers we share a bond. As fathers of gay children we share an even tighter bond. We are in this together. We are one. The loss of their sons and daughters were our loss as well. I hope that together we can draw strength to not only help them through difficult times but to help us as parents get through it as well. So on this day, Father's Day, I want to stand together with the fathers whose sons and daughters did not come home that night. Whose hearts are now broken. We are here for you and may God, the Father of us all, bare you up and help you on your way to healing and forgiveness.

Dark

It's hard to see the sunshine
When the storms I am facing
Are just to dark

Damn

I'm just going to say...Damn! 

She drives me wild. 

In an instant she can take my breath away. 

She's pretty damn amazing 

And I am pretty damn lucky. 

The Light Of The Moon

If she only knew
If she would only believe
How much love
I am wanting to give
There would be no other
No never a doubt
It would all be clear
What we're all about

Yet I walk alone
By the light of the moon
Hiding my face
So she can't see
The tares in my soul
The stain on my heart
Wondering too if she's
 Alone
Walking by the light
Of the moon

Take me by the hand
And with tingling whispers
And words of truth
I'll silence the fears
For in my eyes
You will see
An undying love
Waiting to be

Yet I walk alone
By the light of the moon
Hiding my face
So she can't see
The tares in my soul
The stain on my heart
Wondering too if she's
 Alone
Walking by the light
Of the moon

The Atonement

For those of us that are single/divorced/widowed we can attest that the holidays can sometimes be very hard. I have read many posts today from friends about not having their children with them today or missing when they were little and how exciting and fun holidays used to be. I am no stranger to those feelings myself. Today my children are with their mother and although I am so happy for her that she gets to spend time with them this week I can’t help but wish they were all here. 

 

It’s easy to put ourselves in somewhat of a tizzy when days like this arrive. We start the cycle of doubting our self worth. “Maybe if I had acted differently or had forgiven others I wouldn’t be in this position” is a typical phrase that is used in describing why we might be alone. I have heard it thousands of times it seems. Others are more self degrading like, “Why am I not pretty enough or I have sinned a great sin. How can I find someone that will understand and love me regardless?” These are all very serious problems that many of us singles face. These self taunts are destroying or inner selves. They are taking away from who we really are and it makes us feel useless and we tend to let it dictate the rest of our lives. We say it a lot in the singles world but the phrase “The struggle is real” is a very true statement.

 

Today as I have been thinking about Easter and why we really celebrate it my mind wandered to the Atonement of Christ, not the resurrection of Christ. So many of us, including those who have made a lifelong career of studying and teaching the atonement, say it is one of the most misunderstood doctrines of religion and it is hard to comprehend. But with what knowledge I do have of the atonement I believe with all my heart that it covers those times when we are alone or feeling lonely. I do not believe that we are meant to feel this type of pain and suffering without a way for us to escape. Sometimes we just can’t do it alone.

 

During the last moments of the Crucifixion as Christ hung from the cross he experienced for himself the power of being alone. In that final hour the spirit of God withdrew Himself and the pain was so great that it caused Jesus Christ, the greatest of all, to scream in agony, “My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?” It wasn’t long after that that He gave up the ghost. He died knowing He was all alone. He died to take away all of our burdens and loneliness was the last and great sorrow He felt.

I know how hard times can get. I have witnessed them myself and testify that the pain can be overwhelming to the point we find ourselves on bended knee praying for relief. It is my prayer that when those times do come, and they will come, to remember that this suffering you may feel is temporary. That this pain can and will be taken away from us by turning to Christ and the Atonement. When it gets too much to bare turn it over to Him. He may not take away our sorrows but I promise He will get you through it.

Today

When a man feels undesirable
He loses his self confidence.
That is how I feel today.

The Glass Window To Her Soul

She was on my mind today. From afar she made me smile.
Brought back distant memories.
What an amazing women she is. Her heart as big as the moon.
Those eyes. Oh my, those eyes.
The glass windows to her soul. I may never realize how lucky I was.
For a brief moment in time she was with me.
She held my hand.
Whispered into my ear.
Gazed into my eyes.
Made my heart skip a beat.
To her I thank for making this tired old man feel alive. To have reason to be happy.
Oh how I wish she were here.
Still.
Yes, she was on my mind today. And when I lie down tonight she will be in my dreams.

Through The Eyes Of A Child

I'd like to take a moment to share something that happened to me last Sunday. It was one of those things that no one else noticed but me. Not even the little boy that did it realized what he was doing. But the more I think about it the more I realize why I was called to be a primary teacher in church.

To be honest I was not thrilled about the calling but as I always do I accepted without hesitation. It's the first time I have ever been called to be a teacher in primary and I've been a member my whole life. Talk about feeling out of place. Thank goodness for my phone and my church primary songbook app or I'd never be able to sing those children's songs. Some I've never forgotten after all these years. Some are like learning a foreign language. It's been interesting to say the least.

During sharing time where we sing songs I was sitting there with my class doing my best to keep ten and eleven year old boys calm. Not an easy thing to do. Except for this one boy. He's pretty quiet by nature anyway so having him sit next to me was great. He was the calm among the storm. Then out of nowhere he rested his head on my arm. It kinda took my by surprise. He sat there for a few minutes then he straightened back up. A minute or two later his head was back on my arm. He stayed there until it was time for the closing prayer. It brought back a lot of memories when my kids were that age.

If I were asked right now what his name is I wouldn't be able to say. I know who he is though and I know a little about his home life. Not a very good one. His parents are divorced and he has 3 siblings and they all live with their mom. Their father is nowhere to be found. Left them all. The mother struggles raising her four children on a single parents income. I know the feeling. It's not easy.

When my wife and I divorced and I was struggling with so many things I made the decision that I would never leave my children. How could I? They are my responsibility. There is and will never be a greater responsibility than that of being a father. I'm not perfect at it by any means but when my children were ten or eleven years old they didn't need some strange mans arm to rest their heads on. They had mine. They didn't need a brother in the church to step up and be there for them. They had me. Although divorce is hard and there are many moments of doubt and fear, to this day I have a beautiful relationship with my children. They know me and I know them and we continue to grow together.

So now I look at this calling a little bit differently. I see it through the eyes of a child. The way I think my Heavenly Father wants me to look at it. I have to remember I'm not there for me. I'm there for them. I may not remember his name right now but when he turns twelve and leaves primary to join the brethren of the Priesthood I guarantee you he will remember mine.

Once I Was Loved

I don't know where this is going but I have a need to write. I just feel it stirring in me I guess. So here we are. A new year is upon us. I can't really tell if last year went by quickly or if it took forever to end. Either way it's over. I have a lot of fond memories for the last year. Memories I hope to never forget. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have had many ups and downs. I want to say the ups were so superior to the downs because the were absolutely amazing. It is easy sometimes to get lost in the negativity that comes our way and it helps blind what is or was so good in our lives. I wish for a moment to elaborate on something that happened to me this past year that was beyond anything I could have hoped for. Although there are many more. My kids especially. Maybe one day I'll blog about them. Their stores are a little more private though so we'll see.

For anyone that has read my posts from before know I have always questioned on whether or not I have ever been loved. Real love. True love. It seemed to have always presented itself with fancy ornaments or clever disguises but was never the real thing. This year though and maybe for just a brief moment in time I knew beyond doubt that I was loved. And it was the best feeling that I have ever had. The kind where the thought of someone would just light up your whole countenance. The kind that left you tingling down your spine. I have heard of that kind before but always thought it was so cliche'ish but it describes it perfectly. Once I felt it I never wanted to lose it. Ever.

When I thought of her my future seemed like the whitest and fullest of moons shinning down on me from a pitch black sky. I was not afraid as I could see everything around me. I could look upon her beauty and not be scared or blinded. And when she touched me, oh the heaven I was in. I loved the way her hand felt in mine. The way her lips pressed against mine. And when she spoke words of adoration my heart just melted. She was always looking out for my comfort. Giving of her substance just to see me smile. I have never felt so in tune with anyone my entire life. And for those briefest of moments, I was happy.

I do not know what the future holds. I do not know where this will eventually go. As with so many other things last year this up in my life seemed to short lived. Right now we are apart trying to figure some things out. I do remain hopeful that someday things will not be just as they were but better. I saw us together for many years to come. Loving and sharing moments not only with us but with our children as well. I know without doubt that families are forever, no matter how they are forged.

But then there is the down side. Things may never be the way they were before and as much as that hurts this glued together heart of mine I know I will be ok. It will take some time I'm sure as it always does with me. But when I sit and reflect on the relationship I had with this God send of a woman in my life I will always, always be thankful that even for one small moment in this long life of mine, I was loved. And I will never forget it.





 

Beautiful

"At times I just don't know
How you could be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

And I know that I will never change
Cause we've been friends through rain or shine
For such a long, long time

Laughing eyes and smiling face
It seems so lucky just to have the right
Of telling you with all my might
You're beautiful tonight

And I know that you will never stray
Cause you've been that way from day to day
For such a long, long time

And when you hold me tight
How could life be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

And I know that I will never change
Cause we've been friends through rain or shine
For such a long, long time

And I must say it means so much to me
To be the one who's telling you
I'm telling you
That you're beautiful"

Gordon Lightfoot

Questions And Fears

I wonder what she sees in me
When she looks into my soul
With eyes that weaken my knees

Do I melt her heart with pride
When my arms wrap around her
And hold her gently by my side

Does she see the way I feel
When I look into my own soul
Having questions to what is real

How can she love me so
When I haven't much to give
And so much still to grow

I try to have faith and carry on
But it's a heavy burden to bare
As I wander quietly along

For when I look into those eyes
And see deep into her soul
It's my beating heart that cries

For I'm afraid I'll awake one day
And see her light has gone
As she had silently slipped away

Loss For Words

I wish
There were words

To discribe 

How I feel about

You 

I would take
Them
And create the 

Most beautiful 

Poem 

Sing them in a

Song

Whisper them softly

Into your ear

Leaving goosebumps

On your 

Skin

As they move

From your
Head 

To your
Toes

And when they
Reach Your
Heart

Your whole soul

Will know 

That you are

Loved

With Great Hope

I think of her all the time
Not a moment goes by
All the hours in the day
She is on my mind

I wake up and she's  here
I fall asleep and she's here
When I walk around town
She is everywhere

The blue in her eyes
The hair on her back
The sweet smell of her neck
My senses under attack

Then there's that voice
Oh that sweet sound
It's addicting I know
Not another will be found

I long to hear her
To smell her
To touch her
To be with her

Being without her is lonely
But I do what I can
I do it with great hopes
To again be her man

A Moment Of Gratitude

I am not sure what to write here. I have very mixed emotions at this time so trying to find the right words seems hard at the moment. Some moments I feel amazing. Some times very sad. I'm so tired of being sad. This whole year has so far been a beautiful one yet at the same time very ugly. I look back over the last six months of this year and wonder how it has gone so fast. Seems like yesterday I was ringing in the new year. I remember not knowing what to expect for this year. I had some goals in mind that I wanted to achieve and some things I wanted to do. I know I have time left to accomplish those things but I better get a move on. 

My only New Years resolution this year was to be able to stand in front of a mirror at the end of the year and look myself square in the eyes and say "See, I told you so!" What I meant by that was I wanted to be able to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. It was kind of a booster of my self worth if you will. I had no expectations. No plans. Just a desire to do something that made me feel good. Something that I can show my kids that anything is possible. I still have an idea on what that is and I only have six more months to get it into action. I won't say here what that is here but eventually I'll post how it all turns out. 

So now I lay here in bed. I hear the crickets chirping out of my window and the gentle breeze of my ceiling fan is blowing on my exposed skin. It feels wonderful. I have so many things to be thankful for. I own my home. I'm in pretty good shape. My kids know that I love them and they love me. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all though. Fear of not being a better provider or teacher. Always thinking that my kids failures are my failures I'm not a perfect dad but when my kids wrap their rms around me and show compassion for me I get a bit puffed up. I love them unconditionally. 

I have not taken the time needed lately to count my many blessings. The Lord had been merciful to me and I feel his presence near me in time if trial and heartache. My patriarchal blessings says that I will have many trials and tribulations in life but with the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as a guide for my life I will constantly make the right choices no matter which path I may trod. That tells me that no matter what I do in life that I will have help along the way. How grateful I am for that. 

I don't say it very often except in my own prayers but I am thankful for my Hevenly Father. I know he is real. I know he knows me as I have had countless experiences where I know he was guiding me. I do not know what lay in store for me. I hope I have many years on this earth left to enjoy. To enjoy my children and their children. I hope to remarry. I do not want to be alone the rest of my life. I am confidant though that Heaveky Father knows what's best for me. Maybe I should say "who's" best for me. All I can do is remain faithful and be believing. Some days it's easy. Some days it's very hard. But I know for a fact that it will all be worth it. 

Photo Of You

All I have is a photo of you
And deep embedded memories
Of a time we spent together
When everything was so free

Walking in our wonderland
Where earth and time stood still
Singing songs of love unfained
Testing our every will

I have never felt a love like this
The kind you hear about in songs
Making our journey with hand in hand
Knowing this is where we belong

Now I'm not so sure anymore
As your image fades away
I am here and you are there
Feeling lonely everyday

I wish I could express to you
The way my broken heart has healed
Even though I was lost and afraid
I will not deny the way I feel

I know I'm not alone with you
My heart tells me so
Wondering if it's me you want
Or if you're gently letting me go

I do not know where this will end
I only know where I want to be
Sitting together and growing old
Gazing at photos of you and me

Some Simple Things

Here are some simple things that makes me happy and in no particular order.

The compassionate acts of my children.
The random text that says, "Hey. How are you?"
Air conditioner
That one testimony from a member at church that brings a tear to my eye.
Love pat on the butt.
A clean home
A shoulder to cry on
New socks
The Atonement
Finding forgotten money.
Repentance
Friends
A quiet home
My children laughing hysterically
Wrapped up in a blanket in a cold room
The hoot of an owl
This blog
A hand to hold


These are just a small amount of things that bring me immense joy. Some may sound silly but I have reasons for them. All of those on this list has helped me find my way in life when I have been down. It doesn't take much for me to be happy. I'm a simple man really. I may not have everything in the world but everything I have means the world to me.

Thanks for reading.