The Atonement

For those of us that are single/divorced/widowed we can attest that the holidays can sometimes be very hard. I have read many posts today from friends about not having their children with them today or missing when they were little and how exciting and fun holidays used to be. I am no stranger to those feelings myself. Today my children are with their mother and although I am so happy for her that she gets to spend time with them this week I can’t help but wish they were all here. 

 

It’s easy to put ourselves in somewhat of a tizzy when days like this arrive. We start the cycle of doubting our self worth. “Maybe if I had acted differently or had forgiven others I wouldn’t be in this position” is a typical phrase that is used in describing why we might be alone. I have heard it thousands of times it seems. Others are more self degrading like, “Why am I not pretty enough or I have sinned a great sin. How can I find someone that will understand and love me regardless?” These are all very serious problems that many of us singles face. These self taunts are destroying or inner selves. They are taking away from who we really are and it makes us feel useless and we tend to let it dictate the rest of our lives. We say it a lot in the singles world but the phrase “The struggle is real” is a very true statement.

 

Today as I have been thinking about Easter and why we really celebrate it my mind wandered to the Atonement of Christ, not the resurrection of Christ. So many of us, including those who have made a lifelong career of studying and teaching the atonement, say it is one of the most misunderstood doctrines of religion and it is hard to comprehend. But with what knowledge I do have of the atonement I believe with all my heart that it covers those times when we are alone or feeling lonely. I do not believe that we are meant to feel this type of pain and suffering without a way for us to escape. Sometimes we just can’t do it alone.

 

During the last moments of the Crucifixion as Christ hung from the cross he experienced for himself the power of being alone. In that final hour the spirit of God withdrew Himself and the pain was so great that it caused Jesus Christ, the greatest of all, to scream in agony, “My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?” It wasn’t long after that that He gave up the ghost. He died knowing He was all alone. He died to take away all of our burdens and loneliness was the last and great sorrow He felt.

I know how hard times can get. I have witnessed them myself and testify that the pain can be overwhelming to the point we find ourselves on bended knee praying for relief. It is my prayer that when those times do come, and they will come, to remember that this suffering you may feel is temporary. That this pain can and will be taken away from us by turning to Christ and the Atonement. When it gets too much to bare turn it over to Him. He may not take away our sorrows but I promise He will get you through it.

Today

When a man feels undesirable
He loses his self confidence.
That is how I feel today.

The Glass Window To Her Soul

She was on my mind today. From afar she made me smile.
Brought back distant memories.
What an amazing women she is. Her heart as big as the moon.
Those eyes. Oh my, those eyes.
The glass windows to her soul. I may never realize how lucky I was.
For a brief moment in time she was with me.
She held my hand.
Whispered into my ear.
Gazed into my eyes.
Made my heart skip a beat.
To her I thank for making this tired old man feel alive. To have reason to be happy.
Oh how I wish she were here.
Still.
Yes, she was on my mind today. And when I lie down tonight she will be in my dreams.

Through The Eyes Of A Child

I'd like to take a moment to share something that happened to me last Sunday. It was one of those things that no one else noticed but me. Not even the little boy that did it realized what he was doing. But the more I think about it the more I realize why I was called to be a primary teacher in church.

To be honest I was not thrilled about the calling but as I always do I accepted without hesitation. It's the first time I have ever been called to be a teacher in primary and I've been a member my whole life. Talk about feeling out of place. Thank goodness for my phone and my church primary songbook app or I'd never be able to sing those children's songs. Some I've never forgotten after all these years. Some are like learning a foreign language. It's been interesting to say the least.

During sharing time where we sing songs I was sitting there with my class doing my best to keep ten and eleven year old boys calm. Not an easy thing to do. Except for this one boy. He's pretty quiet by nature anyway so having him sit next to me was great. He was the calm among the storm. Then out of nowhere he rested his head on my arm. It kinda took my by surprise. He sat there for a few minutes then he straightened back up. A minute or two later his head was back on my arm. He stayed there until it was time for the closing prayer. It brought back a lot of memories when my kids were that age.

If I were asked right now what his name is I wouldn't be able to say. I know who he is though and I know a little about his home life. Not a very good one. His parents are divorced and he has 3 siblings and they all live with their mom. Their father is nowhere to be found. Left them all. The mother struggles raising her four children on a single parents income. I know the feeling. It's not easy.

When my wife and I divorced and I was struggling with so many things I made the decision that I would never leave my children. How could I? They are my responsibility. There is and will never be a greater responsibility than that of being a father. I'm not perfect at it by any means but when my children were ten or eleven years old they didn't need some strange mans arm to rest their heads on. They had mine. They didn't need a brother in the church to step up and be there for them. They had me. Although divorce is hard and there are many moments of doubt and fear, to this day I have a beautiful relationship with my children. They know me and I know them and we continue to grow together.

So now I look at this calling a little bit differently. I see it through the eyes of a child. The way I think my Heavenly Father wants me to look at it. I have to remember I'm not there for me. I'm there for them. I may not remember his name right now but when he turns twelve and leaves primary to join the brethren of the Priesthood I guarantee you he will remember mine.

Once I Was Loved

I don't know where this is going but I have a need to write. I just feel it stirring in me I guess. So here we are. A new year is upon us. I can't really tell if last year went by quickly or if it took forever to end. Either way it's over. I have a lot of fond memories for the last year. Memories I hope to never forget. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I have had many ups and downs. I want to say the ups were so superior to the downs because the were absolutely amazing. It is easy sometimes to get lost in the negativity that comes our way and it helps blind what is or was so good in our lives. I wish for a moment to elaborate on something that happened to me this past year that was beyond anything I could have hoped for. Although there are many more. My kids especially. Maybe one day I'll blog about them. Their stores are a little more private though so we'll see.

For anyone that has read my posts from before know I have always questioned on whether or not I have ever been loved. Real love. True love. It seemed to have always presented itself with fancy ornaments or clever disguises but was never the real thing. This year though and maybe for just a brief moment in time I knew beyond doubt that I was loved. And it was the best feeling that I have ever had. The kind where the thought of someone would just light up your whole countenance. The kind that left you tingling down your spine. I have heard of that kind before but always thought it was so cliche'ish but it describes it perfectly. Once I felt it I never wanted to lose it. Ever.

When I thought of her my future seemed like the whitest and fullest of moons shinning down on me from a pitch black sky. I was not afraid as I could see everything around me. I could look upon her beauty and not be scared or blinded. And when she touched me, oh the heaven I was in. I loved the way her hand felt in mine. The way her lips pressed against mine. And when she spoke words of adoration my heart just melted. She was always looking out for my comfort. Giving of her substance just to see me smile. I have never felt so in tune with anyone my entire life. And for those briefest of moments, I was happy.

I do not know what the future holds. I do not know where this will eventually go. As with so many other things last year this up in my life seemed to short lived. Right now we are apart trying to figure some things out. I do remain hopeful that someday things will not be just as they were but better. I saw us together for many years to come. Loving and sharing moments not only with us but with our children as well. I know without doubt that families are forever, no matter how they are forged.

But then there is the down side. Things may never be the way they were before and as much as that hurts this glued together heart of mine I know I will be ok. It will take some time I'm sure as it always does with me. But when I sit and reflect on the relationship I had with this God send of a woman in my life I will always, always be thankful that even for one small moment in this long life of mine, I was loved. And I will never forget it.





 

Beautiful

"At times I just don't know
How you could be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

And I know that I will never change
Cause we've been friends through rain or shine
For such a long, long time

Laughing eyes and smiling face
It seems so lucky just to have the right
Of telling you with all my might
You're beautiful tonight

And I know that you will never stray
Cause you've been that way from day to day
For such a long, long time

And when you hold me tight
How could life be anything but beautiful
I think that I was made for you
And you were made for me

And I know that I will never change
Cause we've been friends through rain or shine
For such a long, long time

And I must say it means so much to me
To be the one who's telling you
I'm telling you
That you're beautiful"

Gordon Lightfoot

Questions And Fears

I wonder what she sees in me
When she looks into my soul
With eyes that weaken my knees

Do I melt her heart with pride
When my arms wrap around her
And hold her gently by my side

Does she see the way I feel
When I look into my own soul
Having questions to what is real

How can she love me so
When I haven't much to give
And so much still to grow

I try to have faith and carry on
But it's a heavy burden to bare
As I wander quietly along

For when I look into those eyes
And see deep into her soul
It's my beating heart that cries

For I'm afraid I'll awake one day
And see her light has gone
As she had silently slipped away