Senseless Love

Waiting by the phone
But it never rings.
Hearing your voice
But it never sings.
I am here alone.

Feeling your hand in mine
But you never reach for me.
Gaze into my eyes
But you do not see.
The lonely beat of my heart.

The taste of your lips.
The smell of your skin.
The way you move across the room.

You're enchanting.
Beautiful.
Loving.

So I wait by the phone.
Sing when you look into my eyes.
Gasp when you hold my hand.
Always together.
As our hearts beat as one.

Moments That Never End

Sometimes I wonder if this is right.
Thoughts that keep me up at night.
I'm here.
You're there.
Wrapped in cold blankets.

Wondering if you feel it too.
Thinking of me. Thinking of you.
Climbing walls.
Not wanting to fall.
Lifting one another as we go.

Time does not stand still.
No matter how hard we try to will.
In our grasp.
Hoping it will last.
Moments that never end.

The gift at the end is grand.
There, within reach of our hands.
Never doubt.
Work it out.
Lest we spend our days alone.

The Sound of Rain.

I must be insane. It's after midnight and start a blog post. No wonder I have bags under my eyes. It's been such a long time since my last post. About a year. What a year it's been. So many things have happened. Where do I start?

I think I was stuck in a rut for this past year. Not sure what to say. I feel so alive when I write but I wasn't always writing about happy things. I seemed so down and out. Unsure. Melancholy. My posts seemed to portray that as well. Doom and gloom. It's like in that song by Gotye. There's a lyric that says "You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness". I can relate. I felt at times I could draw myself to be down and think of sad things to write about because it made me feel good. I was addicted. Damn serotonin; or is it dopamine? I can't remember.

So this time I will be uplifting. Happy. Grateful. I have so much to be thankful for. I have been so blessed. I at times still think of me as undeserving. Why have I been blessed? What forces have drawn me to this stage of my life? Of course, I give all the credit and thanks to God. My Father loves me and has proved it with blessings. I still do not know what the future holds but for the moment I am happy.

I sit here in my bedroom. The window is open and I hear a slight rain outside. Crickets chirping. A slight breeze. It's quite in the house. The kids are asleep and the cat is outside. Prowling, er, um, sitting on the ground by the tree in the front yard. He's eighteen years old now. His prowling days are over. All these things remind me that I am home. My own place. My castle. This truly is a little piece of heaven.

Four years ago, almost to the day, I left my home. I remember thinking that as soon as I took one step out of my house, that I was now homeless. I had nowhere to go. My ex and I decided temporarily that I would stay at her studio until I was able to get a place of my own. That was torture. For those who know my ex she is a photographer. She constantly snapped photos of the kids for practice and she framed and had them hanging all over her studio wall. The day I left I walked in the studio and found myself surrounded by pictures of my kids. I was devastated. Heartbroken. On the verge of a breakdown. I had never felt so lost in a dark world. I couldn't feel anything.

Life from that point on was hard. Yes, I was there partly by my own design, but still I was a complete wreck. Years went by. Slowly but surely things seemed to turn around. I had heard a quote and I can't remember now who said it but it goes something like this: "Pray like everything depends on God. Work as if everything depends on you." I decided to put that to the test. I worked like I have never done before. Not so much in labor, per say, but mentally. And after months of what seemed like sheer torture, I was blessed. As it says in the scriptures, "Apollos watered. God gave the increase." And He did for me.

Shortly after closing on my home I got together with my brother and his family. They came by the house one Sunday after church. I invited them there to help me bless my home. (We Mormons like to do stuff like that.) After I said the prayer and the blessing was complete, my Sister in law hugged me and said, "Welcome Home." The two words I had longed to hear in my hard journey back from what I call my darkest days.

So when I have moments like this, when the kids are asleep, and the cat is outside and the crickets are chirping a gentle rain falls, I am reminded of that eighty's commercial where a man and woman are lying in bed at night after a long hard day of moving. Boxes everywhere. Clothes strewn across the floor. And it's raining. The man says, "It's raining." to which the woman replies, "Yes. And it's raining on our roof." Yes it is dear lady. Yes, it is.

My Inner Battle

I live with two people and it is driving me crazy. Both of them want to rule my life. These two are so different but they are each powerful in their own way. They are also inconsistent. On any given day one will be dominant and the next day the other will be. I think this is a good definition of Yin and Yang. What I hate is that I can't seem to control either of them. They control me and that's what is so frustrating.

Case in point. Saturday as I was walking in Wal-Mart I decided to go into the section where the eyeglasses are at. I have a new prescription and need to find a cheap pair of glasses. Where else better to find anything cheap than Wal-Mart, right? Anyway I go in and start looking at frames. I knew when I walked in that there was a woman behind the counter and she was talking with another women and her little girl. I could tell they were friends by the type of conversation they were having. As I was looking at the frames my eye caught a glimpse of the woman at the counter in the mirror. I thought to myself, "wow, she's cute." I continued looking at frames and every so often found myself looking in the mirror again to catch another glimpse. OK, she was REALLY cute.

Finally I was done looking at frames when I heard the woman behind the counter ask her if she was dating anyone. Well, my ears heard that so I turned and kept looking at frames even though I was concentrating on the conversation this time and couldn't even tell you what kind of frames I was looking at. "No" came the response. "I'm getting tired of looking to be honest with you." Well, that was enough for me. All I wanted to do was go and introduce myself but that wanted deed started the battle of my Yin and Yang.

Yin said to me "Boy if you don't go over there and say hi I'm going to kick your ass." My Yang said to me "Jamie, dude, what are you thinking? What can you possibly offer her?" And with that thought, Yang defeated Yin. I put the frames back on the shelf, turned around and walked out of the store taking one last glance of a very beautiful woman that I may never see again.

Damn you Yang! One of these days you are going down. One of these days Yin is going to look you in the eye and say, "Oh hell no, it's my time. Back off!" And with that little encouragement I just might have the kahonnies to walk up and say something as simple as "hi". So, know that I am coming after you. I am working daily on making my Yin stronger. I don't need Yin to be in control all of the time but I need him to be well strengthened because Yang is powerful. I want to be able to stand instead of sit. Speak instead of being silent. And most importantly, have courage. I hate being afraid.

The touch of you

My dearest love. I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I again find myself alone and in need of your company. Things have been a little difficult these past few days. You know, the usual stuff. I stay up late. I sleep late. I have no dreams. My mind is just to bogged down with the things of this world that bother me more than they would another man. Not sure why I let some things get to me and I wish I had some answers. I know life is designed to throw a curve every now and then but it just seems to have been happening more and more often and I can't get a handle on it.

I wake in the morning alone without you and it sets my day off on the wrong foot. It just doesn't seem right. I lay there with my eyes open and my hand on the other side of the bed waiting, wishing, you were here to take it. To me, there is nothing better than the touch of you. To watch you sleep, to listen to you breathe is heavenly. It's an overwhelming feeling to know that you and I are together. It's spiritual. Divine. Natural.

I have never had this before and It is new to me but never in my life did I feel that I would be so blessed as to have a mate for my soul. When we are together, and we look into each other, we are one. I know what you are thinking before you say it. Every deed that we do shows how much we love each other. You are my companion, my friend, my lover to the end and beyond.

My dearest love I miss you so. We are not together and I don't know if we have ever met in this life. I only get out of bed each morning with the hopes that when I look upon you for the first time our souls will speak to each other and our hearts and minds will follow. Together we will joyfully get through this life. I may still have times of trial and doubt but with you, my love, I will fear nothing. And at the end of the day, when we lay together, hand in hand, I will sleep, and we shall dance in my dreams.

I love you,

Jamie

A Cardboard Miracle.

Hard to believe it has been since October since my last post. Sorry about that. Not sure of the real reason. I have been kind of busy. Either that or I have had nothing different to write about. Seems like all I say is depressing. I think I got tired of hearing myself think. Can only imagine what my followers thought. The last thing I want is for my friends to keep saying "there he goes again. Same ol depressing stuff."

Oh well. It is what it is. Someone once asked Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20, why, even though he is married to a beautiful woman, has a great career and living the dream, is all his music so damn depressing. His response made since to me. Maybe because I have battled depression but he felt it was hard for him to write about being happy even though he is happy. Most of his memories as a child revolved around a mother that was ill with cancer. When he writes he draws on those emotions to help him deliver a message in his music. Though his music may be about sad things, he always seems to make the outcome of what he is writing about end peaceful or happy. Uplifting is a better way to say it, I guess.

I think I know what he means. Sometimes I see things that are sad and hard for someone to endure. But the end result brings peace to someone who is troubled. Perfect example would be a video a friend of mine posted on facebook today. It is a commercial for a web company but I thought the message was incredible. The video shows a blind man sitting by some steps in a bustling part of town. People passing him by as if he is not even there. He sits on a flat piece of cardboard with a small tin can for him to put any money that someone may throw his way. The sign next to him reads "I am blind. Please help." Every so often someone would drop a coin in front of him and he would have to search for it so he could put it in his tin can. Along comes a woman who at first is like all the others and passes him by. She stops and comes back to the man. She bends down and picks up his sign and with a marker she begins to write another message on the other side of it. As she is writing the old man reaches forward and feels her shoes, trying to get a since of who was in front of him. She finishes writing and puts the sign down and walks away. leaving the old man clueless as to what just happened. All of a sudden people begin emptying their pockets of change and dropping it in front of him. There is so much money coming to him that he has a hard time keeping up with it all. He is overwhelmed with what is happening to him. Some time passes by and the woman returns. She walks up and stands in front of him. Hearing her walk up he leans over again and feels her shoes. He looks up and asks, "What did you do to my sign?" She stoops down to the old man and says, "I said the same, just used different words." As she stands up and walks away you see the writing on the sign. It now reads, "It's a beautiful day. And I can't see it."

I think what strikes me about this video (which is on my FB profile page if you want to see it) is at times we are all blind in this world. Some of us are literally blind. Others choose to be blind. How many people passed him by with out a second glance? It's a shame that so many of us, me included may have just kept ourselves in our own little bubble and paid no attention to someone in need. It didn't take a lot of effort on the woman's part. Just a couple of minutes of her time turned into a miracle for the old man. I think a very important lesson.

Sometimes i look at myself and where I am in my own life. I am not happy and have what feels like a long way to go to be happy. I miss the sound of my own laughter and knowing that something I do or say will lift someone else. I have tried and tried to find myself. I am out there somewhere, I just don't know where to look. To be honest, I'm tired of looking. I have for a long time told people and have used as an excuse that I need to find myself first, THEN I can help others. What I have found with this way of thinking is that I think to myself that I will never be good enough so I put off helping someone else. It brings out pride and laziness and does nothing else but bring about more depression and sadness.

So what is the cure? The fix? I have heard for years to loose yourself in the service of others or better yet, "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." Sound familiar? I know. It does to me too. Sometimes, taking off the blinders I have on is a hard thing to do. Am I too afraid of seeing the old man at the foot of the stairs with a tin can looking for alms or am I more ashamed of seeing the man I have become? Funny thing though, I really don't think the old man cares.

Don't Let Go

This post may be hard for some of you to read. Lord knows it's going to be hard for me to write. As you all know I don't hold back much on here. Maybe I should but it will have to wait. I have something brewing and if I don't get it out I may explode. So sit back, buckle up cause this one may shock you.

Over the last month or so I have been struggling. My inner demons are fighting and I can't get them to stop. Yes, I said demons. Plural. I have many. Anyone need one or two? I have lots to give away. I know I don't want them. But they are mine. Now if I can just figure how to make them coexist. Problem is...these demons don't like each other. They are completely opposite of each other. If they did get along, one way or another, I think I wouldn't be having so many problems. See, some of these demons are good, some are not and they are playing one hell of a tug-of-war with me.

I know how this will sound. I am not trying to be conceited. It's just how I feel. A part of me, although kind of small, wholeheartedly believes that I am on the brink of greatness. Teetering on the edge of making a difference in this crazy world. On the verge of having people say as I go by "There's Jamie, Oh how he made a difference in my life." Or having my name mentioned and have a crowd of people go wild like at a concert. Am I lost in la la land? Maybe. I think we all have the opportunity to do something remarkable. But I also have to admit that on the other hand, I feel I'm on the verge of complete disaster. This is the more part of me BTW. It's that stinking feeling I get when things don't go right and I say to myself, "Oh, they are better off without me anyway." Or the feeling of walking down a street and bumping into someone and have them not notice me. Like I'm invisible. Being looked at by people who think to themselves, "Whatever happened to him anyway?" These are the feelings that scare me the most.

There are times I go to church and feel so loved and welcomed. There are other times when I look at someone and I can tell they are thinking, "what are you doing here?" And that's at church people. Of all places to not feel welcomed. I'm not talking about my close friends. I love you guys. If it weren't for you I may not be where I am today. But there are those folks who I know I have let down. And believe me when I say it, you CAN see it in your faces. I'm like the plague to them. But I have come to the knowledge that we are NOT all perfect. We have ALL made mistakes and in some ways that brings me a little peace.

The most important piece in tug-of-war is the rope. Two opposing forces pull on it with all their might, mind and strength and to the victor goes the spoils. The hardest part for me right now is I feel like I'm the rope. Both sides are pulling fiercely on me and I feel at any moment I may snap. This is a battle of good versus evil. On one side I have all my friends who love me and support me. My children are there. My family as well and I believe with all my heart they are pulling with all the love they can muster. Then there are the things of this world that are pulling me in the other direction. And the things of this world have a strength of their own. It's powerful. It's mesmerizing. Sometimes the thought of loosing the battle isn't all that bad. I mean seriously, can it?

This truly is a difficult thing for me to go through. You would think it would be easy but it's not. I wouldn't want this on anyone. I know where I want to be but getting there is the hardest part. Oh I have faith. I just don't have patience. Sometimes I think it would be easy to just throw in the towel and let me ride the wave and see where it takes me. But I fear in doing so I may land so far back I may never get to where I need to be. So I plead with you my friends, family and fellow Christians, PLEASE don't let go of the rope.