The Last Hug

That moment when your oldest child walks out the front door because he's found a new place to live.

That just happened to me.

Wishing Well

If I could wish upon star
And every penny in a well
From every beat of my heart
Would come a story to sad to tell

I close my eyes and see inside
This dark and dreary place
Hoping to find a corner to hide
My sad and lonely face

Why alone must I journey here
What lessons do I have to learn
Is there really not anyone near
That will make my spirit yearn

For deep inside this lonely mind
A flicker of light remains
But is it enough that I might find
The cure to all this pain

For wish I may and wish I might
As I gaze towards the blue
I'll put this penny back in my pocket
As wishes rarely come true

A Beautiful Rose

Today was one of those beautiful spiritual days that make all of the ugly bad days seem less important. Today my beautiful daughter received her patriarchal blessing. What a wonderful moment for her. I'm so proud of her. She is turning into a beautiful young woman who has countless blessings that await her.

I was particularly moved when the patriarch began talking about her becoming a mother some day. His words flowed almost poetically as he described the kind of life she would have as a mother with a righteous man by her side raising her family and being the heart of the home. Tears began to flow with everyone in the room including the patriarch. The spirit was so strong in that room. We were all touched. After the blessing we all just sat there for a few minutes in silence. All you could hear were the sound of sniffling then a little laughter.

She came up to me afterward and we hugged oh so tightly. I told her I loved her and am very proud of her. My heart is full as I see her becoming a beautiful young woman. It's hard to see your kids grow up knowing there will come a day when they will be on their own making their own lives. But as hard as it is I would have it no other way. I rejoice in the knowledge that my children will be able to stand on their own two feet someday. They may struggle at times but didn't we all? I may not agree with their decisions in life but if they do their best at whatever it is I will be a happy dad.

I love my children deeply. I am not the best dad. I am not perfect. But my children love me in spite of my flaws and I love them in spite of theirs. Even though we are apart most days we are family. We are united in love and though the Preisthood. They are my children forever. And I am eternally grateful for that.

Finding A Penny

I had a dream about her the other day. Doesn't surprise me really. She has been on my mind lately and I don't know why. It was a simple dream. Just the two of us. I couldn't see her face but knew it was her by the sound of her voice. She just talked. I remember listening intently. She was really into what she was saying. Very animated. Her pitch raised and lowered with every word. I do not remember what she was saying. I just remember how she made me feel. I was content just listening. In fact I don't remember uttering a single word. She went on and on and I was enjoying every minute of it.

As the sun started to shine through my window I began to awake from my dream. I was in that silent lucid state where I was aware of my surroundings yet I could still hear her talk. I tried desperately to control my dream. I wanted it to go on. I didn't want this to end. Slowly but surely and no matter how hard I tried to fight it I awoke. I continued to lay there quietly trying my best to remember everything. Her sound. Her smell. Her presence. I was sad it was over.

Ever see that movie Somewhere In Time? That moment when Richard found the penny in his change pocket? That is how I felt. Having this beautiful moment of complete bliss then having it dashed by reality. Snapped from my inner world of hope and tranquility only to awaken back into my lonely bed. Seems so tragic. But life goes on and I pulled myself out of bed and went on with my day.

I think it's normal from time to time to reminisce about the past. I don't dwell on it much like I used to do. Letting her go was the hardest thing for me. Dreams like this, though, remind me that my feelings for her were real. I know there is a huge part of me that misses her still. Wonders how she is doing and if she ever thinks of me. Maybe someday I will know.

I do not know what lay in store for me. I do not know which path I will follow. All I do know is I will keep walking. Praying that my footsteps will be guided. Having faith that someday I will understand why I am where I am at this time in my life. Hoping to have the woman that I love and adore next to me during the day to battle life's uncertainties and at night to comfort each other, even in our dreams.

For Our Sons And Daughters

A few weeks ago my son came up to me and said, "Umm, so dad, I'm going to a gay bar with friends tonight to see a drag queen that will be here for tonight only." We stood there looking at each other for what felt like an eternity. I started having flashbacks to when he was little and remembering all the things that I and his mother taught him. Now that he is a grown man and making decisions on his own it's difficult to find words to say when he chooses to do something that goes against his upbringing. The only words that came to mind was simply, "Well, be safe."

The issue I was having was really not a safety thing. It was more of me not being able to relate to my son very well. I mean...what do you really say? My mind draws to that moment when I think about the tragic events in Orlando last week. I think of those men and women who were gunned down because they wanted to be with those that have gone and are going through many of the same tough life decisions. And then I think about the fathers having the same conversation with their sons and daughters that I had with mine. I wonder what they said to them that day. Did they draw a blank? Was the only thing they could come up with was, "Well, be safe"? I cant imagin the heartbreak and heartache they went through later that night knowing that was the last conversation they had with their child. My heart aches for them.

As fathers we share a bond. As fathers of gay children we share an even tighter bond. We are in this together. We are one. The loss of their sons and daughters were our loss as well. I hope that together we can draw strength to not only help them through difficult times but to help us as parents get through it as well. So on this day, Father's Day, I want to stand together with the fathers whose sons and daughters did not come home that night. Whose hearts are now broken. We are here for you and may God, the Father of us all, bare you up and help you on your way to healing and forgiveness.

Dark

It's hard to see the sunshine
When the storms I am facing
Are just to dark

Damn

I'm just going to say...Damn! 

She drives me wild. 

In an instant she can take my breath away. 

She's pretty damn amazing 

And I am pretty damn lucky.